Monday 13 August 2012

Wood Would

I used to have a bit of a thing for Louise Woodward. Right there, you’ve assumed I find people accused of baby killing attractive. To be fair, there’s a school of thought that just plain old questions my taste in women on this one. There wasn’t a whole lot of judgement coming down on me for the dead baby angle when I used to say I fancied her. My friends just questioned that I fancied someone who looked like that.

You’re only one dead baby away from a bad reputation.

She’s probably married with kids by now. Maybe not the kids. But maybe. Tough call for the father there, baby starts playing up, screaming its head off. He’s tired and she’s not. “God he’s doing my head in,” she says giving the baby the evils. But she’s not tired and knows the dad is tired a few hard days at work. She tells him to go to bed. He’s staying up with that baby isn’t he. And if he’s not..what kind of parent is he?

Camel Camel Camel Chameleon

A man, let’s call him Grill, was in a meeting once. For three days he and a number of other people discussed what a horse was and what makes a good horse. “It needs to carry small Irish people on it’s back while it runs really quickly and jumps hedges”, “It needs to be able to carry posh people slowly around”, “It needs to be part of wars if you’re in history before the start of last century” and “it needs to be able to pull the Victorian equivalent of cars around London” were just some of the things shouted out. Grill didn’t disagree with any of the comments.

A few weeks later someone emailed everyone a picture of the horse they had designed. It was a camel. Grill emailed the person at the head of the project and said “That horse we designed, it’s not a horse – it’s a camel.” Grill was aware that the ‘horse’ was going to be displayed around his company as an example of the kind of horse everybody should adhere to. He knew it being a camel and not a horse looked bad, people wouldn’t respect a horse that was a camel.

The head of the project, let’s call him Shane, agreed that it was a camel they had designed. “You’re right, Grill, it’s got humps with water in and is much taller than a horse…well it’s a camel isn’t it?”  Grill thought nothing more of it and waited for the modified horse to be revealed. However, he was at a video conference that Shane was running and Shane said, “As we’ve had no significant modifications to the horse we designed the final version has been approved as the best horse we can come up with so tell people this is what a horse is.”

Grill complained about this to a few colleagues. They mainly agreed with him but they also had priorities of their own – some of them were trying to convince their own teams that an elephant was the most effective animal to store in a fish tank. So, Grill just put up with it. Then, he was in another video conference and Shane asked him about how Grill’s team were reacting to the horse that had been designed. “Well, Shane, I just told them about a good horse and what a good horse would do rather than show them the horse we designed – because it was a camel (and not a horse).”

“Well,” said Shane with a degree of indignation in his voice, “are you saying the camel you and your colleagues designed isn’t a good enough horse?”. “No, Shane. I am saying the list of qualities we agreed on were fine, but when you have pulled it all together you have produced a camel. As far as camels go it is not even that good – it’s hump is on its undercarriage and it only has three legs. As far as horses go it is not fit for purpose. I wasn’t expecting Red Rum by a long shot but this is little better than a bag of piss.”

Grill walks out of the video conference and shoots himself through the fucking head. The end.

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