Friday 10 August 2012

It seems all reports are true, the mid-90s philosophy ensemble The Spice Girls are going to be part of the closing ceremony. It seems the closing ceremony might not be the cultural tube of Smarties that Danny Boyle’s opening ceremony was. Indeed it looks like the closing ceremony will just be the fake Smarties that you get at the Pic’n’Mix at the cinema. And just the orange ones of those.

The Spice Girls were brilliant. Were. Their reunion the other year didn’t have the resurrectory powers of Take That’s (where are Take That? They clearly should be involved – though I think Gary Barlow has had some bad personal things happen so maybe they would have been) and it seems a bit sad to have them as part of it. That said, it is suggested that the ceremony will be a celebration of the last 50 years of British music (didn’t the opening….??  Isn’t this about sport??  Never mind).

To be fair The Spice Girls are probably the best band on the bill (as rumoured), other acts include:

  • Madness (does everything have to include Madness or Paul McCartney?)
  • The Who (the words ‘surviving members of’ should be placed after the definite article to be accurate)
  • Muse (just do me a favour and fuck off you rock opera twats)
  • George Michael (I’m sure everyone will be very cordial as he performs his comeback single – it’s called White Light; he nearly died didn’t he? Clever – but everyone just wants him to be happy with his drugs and his retirement, not having him keep testing everyone’s patience with another song about George Bush)
  • Ed Sheeran (Adele is on sabbatical)

There are other names on the list. The usual suspects, the ones where you aren’t too bothered about as long as they do ‘the one from when they were good’ and even then it’s a little bit embarrassing because they look like someone’s granddad wearing them jeans that hang low.

The NME also suggests that the 150-year-old David Jason and Rodney will do a bit as The Trotters. That one where they were dressed as Batman and Robin. It is semi-intriguing how this might play out as a live skit, being a scene in a 50-minute episode of a sitcom. Not to mention Jason now looking so old that people will assume Nicholas Lyndhurst is on stage with Britain’s oldest man as some kind of nod to how old the characters from Goodnight Sweetheart would be if they were still alive – the ones from when he went back to the olden days. Jason might have suggested the Batman outfit so he wouldn’t be recognised from The Roayal Bodyguard – he needn’t worry, though, it would be quite amazing statistically if the 80,000 people in the stadium are the same 80,000 people who watched it. [That bitchy remark kind of relies on anyone reading this knowing 80,000 is a really terrible audience for a BBC1 sitcom. People know that right? So this is just patronising…]

There doesn’t seem to have been much publicity about the organiser of the closing ceremony, as opposed to Danny Boyle much vaunted helming of the opening ceremony, and I was hoping it would be former Eastenders star Susan Tully. It’s not though, it’s some guy who I’ve never heard of who does seem to have plenty of experience in producing anodyne populist shows for mass consumption.

Fair fucks – it might be brilliant. Though I think I’d rather be at Hyde Park for Blur and The Specials like. And I’ve done Blur at Hyde Park already. So there.

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