Wednesday 08 August 2012

Jonestown Massacre

This must be what can only described as the darkest day in living memory for the British Olympic team. No medals. What an absolute shambles. It is enough to make me embarrassed to be British.

The organisers should have thought this through, ensuring that there was some track cycling final on every day. This daily guarantee of success would have ensured a steady stream of success and meant that unimaginative newspapers wouldn’t have had to chose between cyclists when producing their wraparound covers, with the newspaper logo in gold.

Instead we have stupid fucking 110 metre hurdlers, who were only an outside chance to get in the final, finishing fourth. FOURTH. I burned a union flag on my balcony, such was the shame I felt at Lawrence Clarke’s performance of a lifetime. Fortunately the BBC’s trackside tact-vacuum Phil Jones was on hand to deliver some soothing words. “What the fuck was that?” he asked Lawrence, “people have been watching sports people they have never heard of winning medals all week – why didn’t you do it? There are 80,000 people looking DIRECTLY AT YOUR LOSING FACE (he shouted this – I didn’t just accidentally hit the caps lock key) and you…you are a fucking loser. What have you got to say to everyone watching?”

He momentarily held the microphone under the sprint-hurdlers mouth but as Lawrence went to speak he threw the microphone aggressively to the ground. Thanks to the secondary microphone attached to Jones’ shirt we could then hear him tell Lawrence, “You don’t deserve to speak to people you wretched twat. You know where your microphone is? It’s with your fucking medal mate…it doesn’t exist.”

Jones had earlier asked a Jamaican 200 metre runner, who had just been informed he was 0.000002 seconds away from qualifying for the final, if his father was still alive – adding that he probably wasn’t anymore because if any son of his had ran that badly he would have died of shame.

Tweet of The Day

Nothing against this chap but as he been watching the Olympics or has just been riding in that one train carriage for the last fortnight (with amnesia)?  Hate is a strong word, and it would be inaccurate to use the word hate to describe how I feel about this person for this tweet. But I hate this guy for this tweet. It’s either (a) very desperate to be ‘awwed’ at by people, specifically Vix Pendz, or (b) he’s a terribly washy person.

Maybe he was remarkably touched for a fleeting moment by the innocence of a child in awe of sporting greatness. I doubt it, though. If he honestly thinks this little girl saying this is better than ANY of the athletes/sports people competing in ANY event then he really shouldn’t comment about sports and should stick to liking pictures of kittens on Facebook.

This is coming from someone (me) who has only seen it because IT WAS retweeted by v.Pen3 on Twitter and I follow her because I wish we lived in a cloud together. Well I did, she’s dead to me now and instead I spend my time photoshopping pictures to make it look like Laura Trott and I are Elspeth and Angus McToot from the 1980s childrens cartoon The Family Ness. And before you think that’s weird that I am layering sexual imagery (oh come on – it was unspoken but clearly signposted) on animated child siblings then you have missed the word LIKE you losers. We aren’t being them. You need to ask yourself some serious questions about your mental health.

This is what happens in a society that makes Banksy a cultural icon.

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