Tuesday 07 August 2012

Jean There Done That

It’s been a week since..the bad thing.

It’s been a harrowing seven days without the jeans. Some things that make it as bad as you can’t realise:

  • Some days I wake up and think I haven’t lost the jeans and go to put the jeans on – but I CAN’T (I have lost the jeans, they aren’t there). I often break down when the realisation hit me: it is like the day they disappeared all over again – but worse.
  • Sometimes I am walking down the street and I think I see the jeans with someone else and I go over and grab hold of them only to realise that these are not my jeans, they just look like my jeans (they are jeans). I have to apologise to the person/people for my mistake, saying “I’m sorry they looked like my pair of jeans.” Some people will be more understanding than others: often it is the very attractive women in their late teens who are the least understanding as I wrap my legs around them, often calling me ‘a sad old bastard’ or ‘fucking man-titted shit-moth’.
  • People across the country react to the ‘Missing Jeans’ poster that has been on websites claiming they have seen the jeans, getting on a train or at a market with a family of visiting Bulgarians. But then I travel across the country only to find that the jeans look nothing like my lost jeans and the person who reported them missing was just looking to get on This Morning.
  • A newspaper speculates what the jeans will look like if they are still alive: it’s pretty much exactly the same as they looked when I lost them as (i) it’s a pair of jeans that don’t age and (ii) it’s been a week. It still makes me feel sad, though, and risks a relapse into a drugs hell (though not for me, I’ve never been into a drugs hell to relapse into, however I might force someone else back onto drugs – such is my frustration).
  • I hope to pass a law that will make jean owners more vigilant and observant  when it comes to caring for their jeans, it will be dubbed ‘That Pair of Jeans Phil Lost Law’.
  • A publishing company offers me an undisclosed sum to write a book where I speculate what it would have been like if I had accidentally thrown the jeans away. I refuse – I don’t negotiate with publishers. If any international terrorist groups would like to make an initial offer, though, I would be happy to negotiate.

There was a fitting piece of news, given all this – and that it was the anniversary of the jeans going missing- I am about to be the owner of a similar pair of jeans having bought them off the internet. The new jeans are not a replacement*for the lost jeans and there will always be a place for the jeans should they turn up – which people are still happy to claim will happen despite that clearly not going to happen.

*they are

Tweet of The Day

I like David Harewood, he was good in Game On, Jimmy McGovern’s Hearts and Minds and every other British drama series in the last 20 years – and he’s not hit the pay-dirt in Homeland. But…You don’t have to start a tweet (or most statements) with ‘personally speaking’, it’s taken for granted; I think that’s the bit of being an actor most actors don’t like, the rest of the time you’re acting so you should just not be doing it if you don’t like the acting bit.

Facebook Olympic Tirade IV

I don’t want to go on about this – as it relates to the same person as the other day. But there was another annoying avalanche of bullshit following another Facebook status.

The original status just said something like “Chris Hoy has won a Gold Medal” in the way some people present a fact that everyone knows anyway – without offering the slightest element of opinion. A dull reply later (from Person 2) and then Person 3 says “have you seen the cycling medal table??? It’s just embarrassing!!!!”. Person 2 replies “Embarrasing for who Karen / the rest of the world !” I THINK THAT’S WHAT KAREN (whoops! There goes some anonymity) MEANT. And learn how to use a full stop. But, mainly, stop interfering with Person 3/Karen’s weak joke – but still strong enough not to need your help.

Karen/Person 3 ruined it by then having a mediocre interaction with Person 2 before telling people the medal table had been updated.

I’ve pulled back on this one after (a) not wanting to get into bashing people I don’t know and weren’t doing anything wrong, and (b) realising it wasn’t really interesting.

If You’re Thinking of Being My Baby

A friend sent me this, it speaks for itself with reference to The Daily Mail article I talked about last week.

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