Thursday 19 July 2012

International Stardom Beckons

When I was walkig to the shop this morning I passed three people filming. Well one was filming with a handheld camera and the other two were talking – they had microphones attached and everything. I couldn’t tell what language they were talking but my extensive knowledge of Russian* it could have been Russian. Or any of them ones where its all dbrolkska bolska bereshbik etc.

One can only imagine that it was an interview for Russia’s, or wherever’s, most popular chat show and the presenter was saying something like, “That across the road is Big Hands: a lot of people will insist it’s a really good place to go but it really isn’t. You should only go if you can’t find somewhere else open and you want a drink. Even then it might be a better idea to go home. What do you think Brankina?” And then Brankina would agree with him (probably, maybe she’s filth: each to their own).

*Quite a lot of pornography that has flooded onto the free, streamed pornography sites is Russian: especially the niche stuff I like to watch – old women rubbing ears togather; naked adults having sex where no-one is dressed to look like a schoolgirl, definitely not; people being instructed how to care for large amounts of houseplants -while naked, etc. All Russians.

FUCK  (FCUK is an anagram of ‘fuck’ – they should exploit that sometime) OFF

Why do things have to change? The bottles for FCUK bodysprays were perfectly fact they were lovely.  A nice metallic effect. The Boots website doesn’t even show the new design: the fucking thinks-an-entire-month-is-a-birthday idiots. To be fair, the FCUK website is equally clueless.

The top one (I tried to rotate it but the wordpress is being a dick) is the new one. How shit and generic looking is it? I prefer the old one as it looks like the kind of bodypsray someone might use in a futuristic film made in the late 1970s. Or Robocop’s robocock. Not only have they changed the container but they have changed the flavours. As the photo suggests ‘Urban’ has remained but ‘Copper’ (my favourite) and ‘1972’ (perfectly named, it really did smell like 1972) are no more – being replaced with ‘Falsely Accused’ and ‘Trial Separation’ or something like that.

I cant think of a bigger re-branding disaster to hit male grooming products. Not this century anyway.


This is my 600th blog. I’ve made a special effort to make this one as mundane and unfunny as I could – that’s right normally I don’t even try to be unfunny, it just comes naturally.

Here are 600 ways you might like to celebrate this historic milestone:

  • Gently clap your hands as you read the blog. “A bit late now, mate, already finished”
  • Send the writer some warm Tango – the traditional celebration of 600 blogs published
  • Hop 597 times
  • Write a song about the content of the 600 blogs.
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