Saturday 14 July 2012

I’ve been thinking of a joke about athletes being like religious people. So there’s a lot of profiles of athletes knocking about because of the athletes competition coming up, it’s called the Olympics. Anyway something that tends to always appear in profiles of full-time sporters is that they are so dedicated to their sport that they EVEN train EVEN on Christmas Day, EVEN then. So, they don’t celebrate Christmas. They also can’t drink because of fitness and that. So that’s a bit like Jehovah’s Witnesses innit?

I know: I said it was a joke. There isn’t anything else coming, that was it. That was my realisation: that Jehovah’s Witnesses have a some similarities with professional athletes. I imagine there is quite a lot of homophobia in athletics as well. With some clandestine homosexuals loathing themselves for being made to feel abnormal. Ah, that’s a bit harsh on athletics and Jehovah’s Witnesses – it’s basically the World that behaves like that. I was originally going to use Muslims as the group to be like athletes but (a) I was being a bit over-sensitive as to being offensive and (b) it was the two lads who were Jehovah’s Witnesses who were outcasted at Primary School for not celebrating Christmas. The change didn’t make it more or less funny did it? I suppose less funny was impossible.

I don’t know if you can see what I’ve done to this picture below – it probably just looks like a picture of a regular cheque. But what I’ve done subtly – and there is no doubt that it is subtle – is use some clip art to remove some sensitive information. I’ve removed the name of the person I wrote the cheque for. I don’t know anyone whose name is three footballs and a table-tennis bat. I’ve also removed the amount involved because that’s a personal matter between me and the payees. It was what I think is standard for the day at someone’s wedding, though. I will say (and pay! LOLZ) that much.

Anyway, the reason I included it (I mean the picture in the blog, not the cheque itself, the paper-based legal agreement to transfer funds between bank accounts has long since replaced the toaster/towel set/pyrex dish set as the wedding present standard) is because of my hilarious wording. Will it be cashed? Everyone knows that ‘big ones’ and ‘quid’ can both be used to describe monies. And I wrote numbers in the numbers bit. I bet cockneys have cheques cashed for ‘monkeys’ all the time*. It’s racist if they don’t cash this.

I’ve not put the date on it have I?

Why were you giving people the equivalent of a wedding gift? Did you go to a wedding or something? Yes, I went to a wedding or something: A wedding. 

Did you make a big tower by balancing some plastic sweet tubs on tob of a bottle of lager and look a dick when it collapsed? Yep. Never done seven before though. Maybe not get the chance to do it again. Live every day as though it’s your last. 

Is there picture of you looking happy, perhaps ecstatic at having completed the tower – but before it falls? Not to my knowledge. No-one has captured me doing a proper smile on camera. Oh no, yeah – there is this one. 

 I have no more questions about this wedding. I am terminating this interview. Right you are. 

*”Hey you cheeky bastard” someone might have said here (to me). And they’d be right to. A cockney writing a cheque? Am I having a laugh? Everyone knows that cockneys carry their money around in big rolls of notes and give the money to people by licking their finger and slapping a couple of notes out. Perhaps in the case of a wedding they would put it into a smaller roll and tap it into the groom’s breast pocket and tell him to enjoy the honeymoon (they would add a wink at this stage, I am almost certain).

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