Tuesday 10 July 2012

Things I have learned by 34 (years of age)

  • I am much more concerned with folding clothes now. I used to be all about hanging them but now it IS folding them that I do. I don’t know if this is a fashion thing or a natural inclination of getting older (like preferring brown cardigans to yellow vests).
  • I have almost completely reached the point where I say ‘pardon?’ rather than ‘what?’ (17/18 times I would say the former – and feel guilty about the one that got away to boot.)
  • Most people aren’t right about things, they just have an opinion and an ego. This could be an opinion, though I am pretty sure it’s true because I am the best one.

Thank Yous

You know what seems really cute? When a few people send you a birthday message on Facebook and you thank them, choosing to use a different language for each one. I wasn’t expecting more than four, I’ll be honest. I know ‘thank you’ in about seven or eight languages so I thought I’d be alright. But I got more than four and so I had to improvise. Improvise NOT in the way Ryan Stiles did when Clive Anderson told him to go to a funeral in the style of a weather presenter, but more improvise in the way of googling ‘thank you in different languages’.

And the site I found did the job. I couldn’t help but notice the English one (see below)…I mean it was an English language site so the need for English ones seems an odd inclusion. Apparently in English ‘thank you’ is only ‘thank you’ for English speakers in Canada AND USA & Canada (what about Canada?). I don’t know what’s more worrying: the possibility that anyone might think everybody in England uses both ‘awfully’ and ‘old boy’ when thanking people, or: that everyone in New Zealand responds to being given something by saying ‘Cheers – LOL’.

English Canada Thank you
English England Thanks awfully, old boy
English New Zealand Cheers – LOL
English USA & Canada Thank you
English USA (Southern) Thanks y’all


Sometimes getting one’s hair cut involves small talk with the person cutting your hair. I’m not big at small talk (sit me near strangers at a wedding and witness the pain). My current haircutter person doesn’t make chit-chat with me. She doesn’t know where I work or if I am getting away for some sun this summer. Perfect. Oh and she cuts my hair the way I like it. Trivial stuff.

Today the salon was not so busy so I could hear the only other people in there, a person having their hair cut and a man who may be the/a manager.

The first thing I heard the woman having her hair cut say was an observation. She said, “There are two types of people in the rain: those who accept the rain and are drenched and those trying desperately trying not to get wet but still getting wet.” The man said, “yeah, they should just accept it – or you end up stood in a doorway at 6pm that you stood in to get out of the rain on your way to work.”

Maybe this is why Michael McIntyre is popular. He seems like Oscar Wilde compared to this. There aren’t two types of people in the rain. It completely ignores people with a large golf umbrella escaping with some mild splashes on the feet. And people in waterproof coats. And naked bald men/women. OK, I’m being harsh. But there aren’t just two kinds of people in the rain – those are two types of person/behaviour in the rain, not the only two. And maybe I was harsh on the man because he then went on to say how he knows someone who works in Stalybridge and the only good bit of that must be going home every night.

Shouldn’t it be basic hairdressing practice to get a Private Detective to provide a report on all customers so someone’s home town is not insulted while he’s trying to have his hair cut? AND THEN..yeah there’s a ‘and then’.

And then they started talking about decorating. And how they use bespoke mixed paint as you can’t use the colours that they have as bulk. And don’t they have ridiculous names (paints)? Do they make up these names when they are down the pub? Which led on to him saying how he knows someone at THE ROYAL EXCHANGE (it’s an important detail – obv.) who is related to someone who works for Dulux or something and that is what they do! Hahahaha! Of course it is. People who work for Dulux definitely just go down the pub and have five pints and then write ‘tortoise shell’ on the back of a beermat. The paint itself is developed by heroin addicts in a squat.

If that wasn’t enough (he’s about to look really bad I assure you) he says he was fed up with listening to Motown music, “I must have heard these songs a million times in my life”, (no that’s not the bit where he looks bad – though that clearly is bad) and walked over to the computer and says, “What are you listening to at the moment, Phil?” What? What the fuck? How did I get sucked into this? I don’t want to be part of some anti-Motown regime; sure I am not the terrorist assassinating the Motown regime but I don’t want to be part of the new regime dancing on their grave. And apart from anything else: WHAT THE FUCK AM I LISTENING TO NOW? Who knows what I am listening to at the moment? I listened to the new mixtape by Childish Gambino last night but is that ‘what I am listening to’?

So, I said “the new Bruce Springsteen album”. I haven’t even listened to it. I do love The Boss, don’t get me wrong, but I haven’t listened to it yet. I don’t listen to albums anymore: I download them and then never listen to them. What do I listen to? A playlist. Because I lack imagination and don’t want to try an album out on the walk to work in case it’s shit and I go in work (more) annoyed. Anyway, he put it on for me. What a cunt.

I actually quite like him. He always has a Fred Perry polo on. And he complimented my umbrella as I left; it’s a Fred Perry one. We have to stick together us Fred lads.

Pictures of Philly

I know everyone wants a montage of pictures of me as I walk away from having my haircut while pretending to be angry at paparazzi. So here:

8 Myself

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