Wednesday 04 July 2012

Born on The

I hesitated before writing something about Independence Day (the film), with it being the fourth of July. But I checked and I did that last year. I suppose if I was that repetitive, repeating myself at 365 day intervals, it wouldn’t be that bad. It would only really be noticeable when I did the same piss-weak jokes about notable holidays, and the only person sad enough to realise this is me. It’s certainly something to think about on days where I am a bit stumped.

2011 eh? I was getting ready to go on holiday – by packing a bag full of clothes and supplies, as was the fashion of the day for people holidaying it. The suggestion would be that 2011 was a better year than 2012 based on comparable data: I was NOT packing a bag ahead of a holiday this year. This year I made an appointment to get my hair cut and then made an appointment to go and tell a doctor I sometimes feel a bit dizzy. This feels oh so very trivial. God it will be poignant reading this back if it turns out to be an early symptom of something really serious. (If I am dead, please donate some money to whatever charity is supporting research into curing whatever disease did for me. If I am dead because I have died of accidental causes then keep the money, heck – treat yourself to a present. Go on, whatever you want. It’s on Phil.)

Ryan Giggs Boson

So, ‘they’ have discovered a particle that is consistent with the hypothetical ‘God Particle’, the Higgs boson. You have got to love science, they have found some evidence of something that seems to behave like something that – this far – has been entirely hypothetical. Why not just say they found it but it might turn out to be a bit different? True enough they could have said that about a KitKat wrapper. (“We have found the Higgs boson – it’s kind of like we thought it would be but instead of being the sub-atomic particle which gives everything in the universe mass, it’s the wrapper from the KitKat chocolate bar.”)

And if they are not going to say it is it, give it a different name. I suggest the Bridgehouse Flackpockalop.

If you don’t understand what the Higgs boson is it’s not my fucking problem. I understand it.

Ha. I am funny. Let me explain it this way: you know how people dance like a fucking lemon at a wedding:  men, with ties on their heads, everyone under some misapprehension they are displaying some sense of rhythm? Well imagine that people didn’t know why this was and that forty-five years ago a man had speculated on the existence of ‘alcohol’ that gave people a reason to dance like this. And that in Switzerland someone built a massive circular tunnel and accelerated wedding guests around near the speed of light and this showed the existence of pints of lager, wine, gin & tonics and some top shelf. This newly discovered alcohol is what the Higgs boson is.

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