Tuesday 26 June 2012

“Do you remember that time you were my knight in shining armour”

A woman asked a lad this as I walked past at work. I must have been walking slowly/they were talking loudly or quickly or something because I seem to know the next bit of conversation as well. The woman continued on to say that the time this lad was her knight in shining armour was when she rode past on her bike and he stopped her because her tire looked flat. The denouement was that the tyre just looked flat and was, in fact, fine.

I had to wonder if the woman knew what ‘knight in shining armour’ meant. She definitely wasn’t being sarcastic¹. How this works metaphorically stumps me. A knight in shining armour is someone who comes along and saves someone in a pretty sticky fix. Whereas this is the equivalent of a knight storming up to someone enjoying a sonnet lay in a field, perhaps waiting for dusk and the beauty of a setting sun, and grabbing them and counting it as saving their life². I don’t know what a more appropriate metaphor would be in ye olde knight times.

Perhaps someone who planned a ye olde town(e) and did it quite efficiently in terms of space but built all the homes near a river likely to flood. Nope, that’s not the same. It’s more like a knight getting involved in what might look like an incident of domestic violence but actually the couple were just being sexually playful. That’s what the woman should have said, “do you remember when you were my knight in faded armour, because all the good armour went to good knights who didn’t misunderstand situations and poke their nose in when it wasn’t needed?”

I didn’t really need to get into all that about what was a good metaphorical act did I? The phrase only really allows for the tweaking of knight, shining or armour. And it doesn’t make much sense if you change knight, then you are just describing someone’s attire. And the poetry of the phrase really needs armour at the end. So all I really needed to do was come up with a suitable alternative for shiny.

¹It is only typing the words She definitely wasn’t being sarcastic that has led me to think that maybe she was being sarcastic after all. Just because neither her tone nor general manner suggested it doesn’t mean it wasn’t so. For the sake of what follows, though, it is best to assume that she DIDN’T mean it sarcastically.

²She almost certainly meant it sarcastically didn’t she? Fuck. No, I really don’t think she did. I am just imbuing her with my thoughts as I am recounting the whole sordid bastard incident.

Something to Bring A Tear to Your Eye

A man, an adult man manipulated a combination of metal, glass, plastic and rubber through the air. By simply manipulating what Maori warriors might call magic, or whatever word they have for magic, he made the thing move. I’m describing a man driving a bus in a way as to make it seem exceptional or magical. But it’s not is it? Driving a bus is done by lots of people every day. I’m not denigrating it as a career. It’s honourable: public transport is the oil that greases society, at least in a way that describes humans moving from one place to another with other people in vehicles that are not as clean as you would like (them to be).

So a man drove a bus to in front of us my flats. I live on Platt Lane: it’s not a high street but it’s a long and busy road. So that’s the where he drove the bus to. The when was about 5:30pm, in England. I’m not going to spring it on you later that it was 5:30pm in New Zealand and that it was like 4am or something. It was 5:30pm in England in a well populated area on a public thoroughfare. Children play about the streets here. It’s not like some bygone era where doors are unlocked and ‘nippers’ run about playing tick – the kids are little shits and they like running in the road and shouting stuff at cats like ‘a prick better than you is’. But they are children and they are about.

So the man who steers the big car (the bus) alighted his bus and undid his belt and took his flaccid cock out and made piss come out of his cock. I haven’t missed the bit out where he walks to a toilet: he pissed directly up the bus he had been driving whilst he stood in the street, the public street where children might be – at 5:30pm.

Then he got back in his stupid Traveller bus and drove away with his piss still warm on the street.

(Some of the above is speculative, I was only witness to a bus driving past a perpendicular street to Platt Lane that I was walking up and as I turned the corner I saw a fat man finishing a piss on the side of a bus and then get back on it. I have assumed he was the driver and that he drove away – I haven’t looked, he could still be there, sitting on his bus.)

Final Picture from Elbow

(and it’s not really from Elbow, it’s from my flat after I got home)

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