Wednesday 02 May 2012

I’ve got another one of these emails. They are brilliant. I get the feeling that most poeple are used to getting them. I am not – I love them.

> From:
> Subject: RE: EMAIL ME BACK

It’s a good subject. I like what they have done – it almost provokes a response, an email response. By email. Back.

> Date: Wed, 2 May 2012 05:16:33 -0700
> Hello Dear Friend,

Bit presumptious. I have always been a little uncomfortable with assumed closesness. People I have never met calling me Phil, without asking me if it’s ok, fall into this group (conversely there are only about 6 people I have felt ok being called Philip by; I prefer feeling awkward about people calling me the wrong Phil than I do Philip, though. Rule of thumb: just call me Phil after a little bit of knowing me or asking me for my preference). “Hello Dear Friend” is less accurate than either Phil or Philip here, but preferred.
> I ask for your forgiveness and apology.I am aware that this is certainly a conventional approach in starting a relationship with an Unknown-person, i want you to please consider it as a divine wish and accept it with a deep sense of humility i know as time goes on you will understand my reasons for this action.

I’m already stumped by Hr. Pol Hubbert: he says he is certainly a conventional approach to starting a relationship with an unknown person. Unsolicited email is not the method I would necessarily use to approach a random stranger to buqueeth my worldly goods. In fairness to Hr. Pol Hubbert, it seems like we are different people so this difference isn’t necessarily something I feel I am in the right about. He also seems very polite. I decided to read on when he acknowledged my ability to accept things with a deep sense of humilty. Has he been watching me from afar?
> I have been in the sick bed at Queen Elizabeth, Woolwich – South London Healthcare NHS Trust suffering from Leukemia cancer of the blood cells for the past Three (3) yrs and half. Now I know that my time has come for me to join my heavenly Father, I email you as was directed by my spirit to contact you for this purpose.

Hello: this shit just got real. That is definitely the way I would tell someone (who I had never met or had any contact with) that I was seriously ill. I would preface it with the long and precise name of the hospital I was at and then call the illness something, though correct, that no-one ever calls it.  The (3) is the most helpful bit here though; it is very confusing when you read ‘three’ in the middle of some text isn’t it? You’re all like “whaaa? that’s the word for a number, what gives man?” Also using religious imagery and language is another sure sign he knows what he is doing:- this is much too convenient, a random email in broken English that knows I instantly respect anything that mentions religion? Come on Beadle – take the fake beard off.

> I have a little sum of $4,837,950.00USD (Four Million Eight Hundred And Thirty-seven Thousand Nine Hundred And Fifty US Dollars) the only money i have with my bank.

Well shut my mouth. Did Hr. Pol Hubbert just offer to make me the richest Bridgehouse on record? This time he’s gone numerical value in digits with the words version in brackets. And he clearly has no ceoncept of money…that is a load of money…shit, I think I just found myself a mark.
> I want you to help me use some of this money as a contribution to support orphanage homes, charity organization, motherless babies home and disables children etc.. and use the remaining for you and your family members for helping me to actualize my last wishes on earth i hope you will find this offer acceptable in your heart and do this for me.

There’s always a fucking catch isn’t there? I suppose I could just take the money and not do these things. But then Hr. Pol Hubbert has specifically asked me to do these things  in order to earn what is left over. Plus I would inevitably feel a pang of guilt when I was throwing a Ferrari off a mountain for my own amusement when I could be spending the money on a bus for disables children. I would also definitely feel obliged to help out orphanages AND homes for motherless babies (is this just people being raised by their father? I don’t know what support these specific people need: I suppose paying for a woman to explain the mechanics of monthlies to confused children who have no mother to ask doesn’t pay for itself).
> Please email me back if you know you can honestly do this for me.

I can’t do this: I cannot say I will do anything honestly. Plus I’d just end up getting lots of clothes and Apple products and not even putting 50p in a collection for the homeless.
> I shall wait for your response to this email.
> Hr. Pol Hubbert

Don’t wait too long, what with you dying and all; probably best off moving down to whoever is next on the list.

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