Thursday 05 April 2012

Free Gift

As I approach blog number 500 I thought it was time for another fabulous free gift. And this is a real doozy, I am going to give you one of my go-to gags: when someone says something about a time remaining of something and they conclude it with ‘to go’ you say “You sound like the So Solid Crew” or “Which was the title of the follow-up single by the So Solid Crew.”

Eg, you ask someone how long the food they are preparing will be, they reply, “There’s about 20 minutes to go.” Then you – quick as a flash – say “The lesser known sequel to 21 Seconds by the So Solid Crew.” Boom, they’re laughing their head off.

See how I modified it there? You weren’t expecting that were you? You’ve got to keep it fresh or it can quickly become a tired joke when you are using it 40 or 50 times a week like I do. If someone said a time frame less than 21 seconds, I’m not sure why you’d be speculating about how long I maintain sex but whatevz, you can say something about ‘21 seconds on fast-forward’. If it just happened to be 42 seconds, for another example, you could say it was 21 Seconds at half-speed. See: the possibilities are endless.

And yes, you are welcome.

He Stir Egg?

I have kind of only just become aware of the impending Easter-based long weekend. That doesn’t really evoke excitement about chocolate for me (though yes I do prefer the curved chocolate of an easter egg*) though insulin manufacturers must get more excited a holiday based around chocolate, though isn’t every holiday? LOL!

Other people at work seemed to have planned it better: they had planned something. I was too busy imagining how cool it would be to look through some surveillance pictures of me (taken from a flattering angle). The upshot is I approach the weekend with nothing planned. The beautiful coincidence is that nothing is my favourite thing to do. Thanks Jesus! It is Jesus’ birthday isn’t it? I do get my holidays mixed up. Good Friday: Jesus born (Good because having a baby is good, right?); Easter Sunday: Jesus’ Birthday Party Day (liked to have his birthday to himself and who can blame him?); Christmas: when he died on the tree for all our sins (which is why we buy each other presents, we get to sin – yaaaaaaaaaaay!)

*Colleague, lothario and beatnik ‘The Drum’ refuted this claim; how can someone refute that? It definitely does taste better. It is so obviously better it doesn’t need proving. The Drum refused to back down and this debate would surely have ended in some kind of shoot-out had he not produced some Walker’s Mexican Fiery Sweet Chipotle flavour crisps. I don’t normally go in for this sort of potato snack myself, deigning them wankers’ crisps, but I have to admit these justify all the money paid to Gary Lineker designing crisps for Walkers. Well done Gary.

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