Sunday 01 April 2012

Fuhl J’ah

I hate April Fool’s Day.

Hah! I don’t even – I fooled you. April fool.

No, I do actually despise it – now who is the fool? Well no-one because as much as my action thus far has been twattish it has not been symptomatic of a fool; I sincerely doubt anyone was sucked it by my double-bluff so no fooling occurred.

Possible Reason I Dislike April Fool’s Day No 1

An April Fool is just a lie. A lie is a horrible and seedy thing used to bury the truth behind a menagerie of buck-toothed smiling ‘seem to be truths’. A lie is despicable and Machiavellian and immoral – and such should be respected and treated with the utmost respect and used when required to not blunt its effect. It should not be used to momentarily kid someone into thinking there is an unpopular relative at the door. Or that the top of sugar is tightly screwed on – or that the sugar is salt.

So a possible reason I dislike April Fool’s Day is that it disrespects the one thing I truly have respect for: the humble lie.

Possible Reason I Dislike April Fool’s Day No 2

Pranks. Jokers.

Now, we must be clear here: a finely executed, original prank is delicious. But most people are not Jim Halpert from the US version of The Office. His pranks on Dwight are fucking awesome. If you’ve watched the US version of The Office I don’t need to waste my time as you know what I mean; If you don’t watch the US version of The Office then…well done..I just fooled you again: there is no character in the US version of The Office called Jim Halpert or Dwight.

Being on television is no guarantee of quality. Three words: Noel’s House Party. What a massive twatfest the pranks on that were. In many ways they ruined what was an otherwise exceptional TV show. Poor Mr Blobby was thrust into a world of fake intructional videos as a backdrop for Noel Edmonds to mildly frustrate people like Will Carling. Were it not for being forced into this prank lifestyle perhaps Karl Blobby would have lived out his dream and been a loving figure in a CBeebies show.

Randomly, Rio’s World Cup Wind-Ups got it gloriously right a couple of times. For those who missed out on this prank feast it was a show where Rio Ferdinand wound people up. It wasn’t a clever title. It did have some funny bits in it though; Ashley Cole not looking at someone; Becks getting annoyed at someone (which isn’t really funny in the sense it was meant to be: it just showed what a nice guy he is, not being a prima donna and just being the wonder that is Becks). But the coup de grace was Gary Neville’s wind-up as he was stopped and blackmailed by some scouse police with Gaz Nevz having none of it. “Six points for a picture? I’d rather have six points.”

The pettiness and strength of will showed by Gary Neville here, when it would be far easier for him to just go along with it, goes a long way to explain why the Bury-born United legend maintains his facial hair despite it being really, really, really, really shit. (note the guy from Looking for Eric as the Manc fed.)

But essentially TV wind-up pranks are wank – like real life ones.

Possible Reason I Dislike April Fool’s Day No 3

Pranks. Jokers.

Yeah – this seems the same as the one I just did. But I wanted another one on my list so that was televised TV prank type things and this is just the shit concept of pranks/jokers. This hatred mainly comes form reading football books. I really enjoy Andy Mitten’s books on former Manchester United players. Until I read the 70s one. I had to stop after three chapters/players as they were so fucking dull and obsessed with pranks. If you’re not familiar with the humour of British footballers in the 1970s (and on into the 80s and 90s no doubt) then the height of comedy is cutting the toes off someone’s socks when they are training. It’s funny isn’t it?

The specific breaking point in the book I was reading was (and I can’t remember the names off the top of my head and I’m not going to get my Kindle for some details no-one cares about) one player saying how some other player was THE FUNNIEST PERSON HE’D EVER MET; this was exemplified by him telling that “one day a reporter asked him for a quick word and right away, quick as a flash he’s said ‘velocity’ back to the reporter and walked off, we were all in tears.” I’ve paraphrased. But only slightly, that was the gag. Velocity?? Velocity is the vector quantity (i.e. it has direction, keep up non physicists) of speed. A velocity can be very, very, very slow. Yes, it can be fast but the word itself doesn’t imply high speed. It’s like someone asking you for a word to describe being overweight and you replying ‘force’ (to a 1970s sports journalist ).

Conclusion

But, yes: I do ‘pranks’. It’s different when I do them though. Definitely different when I do them.

Postscript: did you get my April Fool? Cbeebies woudln’t have been around when Mr Blobby was in Noel’s House Party so how could he have dreamed of working there? I can’t believe you fell for that…MEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK’D.

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