Tuesday 27 March 2012

Summer’s Here

How good is it to be summer again? Just ten weeks after Christmas it’s summer.

Things I like about it being warm and sunny:

  • it’s not a problem getting out of the shower (I mean because it’s not too cold – I am not an old man, no matter what anyone says)
  • the butter spreads on toast easily
  • women wear more revealing clothes*
Things I don’t like about it being warm and sunny:
  • harder to look at stuff because of the sun shining, especially TVs
  • everyone is happier
  • moths and bees
  • B.O. (other people’s – I smell fcuking great. Hahahahahahaaha, that is funny because I wear FCUK spray.)

*Favourite sub-group of people: women wearing revealing clothes. Least favourite sub-group of people: camp TV presenters and comedians.

Look us Aid

Sometimes I see something hilarious and take a picture of it and then say hilarious things about the hilarious things in this blog. All in all…it’s hilarious. (Sorry, give me minute, I’m too busy laughing just thinking about the IDEA of it.)

I have always seen the picture as an essential part of this amazingly hilarious experience. But I didn’t take a picture of the advertising billboard I saw on the way to work this morning and it’s been taken down since. What follows is a hilarious critique of something I can’t fully remember, nor prove ever existed. To all intents and purposes this may as well be a short story. About a poster.

So this poster was an advert for cheese and it just portrayed a likeness of Hitler eating some cheese and the slogan said ‘Eat some fucking cheese, eating cheese is not exclusive to Hitler nor does eating cheese mean you or anything like him (Hitler)‘. That’s not the poster I saw. But without the picture do you see what I can do? I have led you into a chamber of lies and then attacked you from behind forcing your head into a bath full of lies (picture an East End contemporary of The Krays killing someone for disrespecting their mother by holding their head in a bucket of acid – but instead of a/both Kray twins it’s me, instead of a bucket it’s a bath, and instead of acid it’s lies).

No, the poster – and I realise I have set myself up for a ‘Boy Who Cried Wolf’ scenario – was a picture of a crowd at a music festival, I believe the V Festival, and a bottle of Lucozade and then in large font the phrase “Good Music*. Good Friends. Good Times.” Where does Lucozade come in to this equation? The only place I can imagine Lucozade being any use at a music festival is maybe to have with breakfast. This advert is actually an advert for something like Magners, but with Lucozade in the place of the thing that is actually part of having a good time. You have Lucozade when you’re nine and poorly – not when you’re in the process of ‘good times’; ‘good times’ is exclusively the confines of alcohol in the sun (if phrases had voices ‘good times’ would have the voice of Tim Burgess from The Charlatans).

It’s fucking rubbish without the picture. I couldn’t find a picture/reference to it ON THE INTERNET. The INTERNET. You can find anything on that thing. So why can’t I find a Lucozade poster I probably imagined? I’m going to have to change my rating of the internet. It was always a solid 8 out of 10 for me. Down to 6/10 now. (Note to self: an Amazon style review of the internet would be totes hilarious.)

*I am out on a limb about that first bit, might not have said that.

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