Sunday 26 February 2012


The first Sunday Sun came out today. This attracted quite a lot of scorn. And I was part of that. Much like the residents of Liverpool I have to ask why people are buying The Sun on any day of the week. One guy thought he was helping me on Twitter by telling me it was it was replacing the News of The World that people were specifically annoyed after NOTW did the bad things. Well I had put two and two together and I never really saw the difference between NOTW and The Sun and I find it hard to believe someone might be okay with the Monday to Saturday issues of The Sun but appalled by this new Sunday one. But they are. Go figure.


You know when a pattern establishes itself it becomes a grammar. So the ‘sad’ bit of X Factor has a grammar. You get slow motion footage of someone in black and white with the piano from the start of The Scientist by Coldplay as they get booted out/go through some hardship and survive. You know what I’m talking about. It’s tacky shit that has millions of people thinking they care about something because they got used to it (I would call it Pavlovian but I already wrote the next bit and used it there already) and because Dermot O’Leary says something softly over the top of it.

I was channel flicking today and on Dave was The Gadget Show was this black and white slow-mo with piano tinkling on top. The female presenter was holding back tears. The softly spoken voice-over informed the viewer that the go kart she had been working on still had steering sensitivity issues. I had to pretend I had something in my eye and step outside to get a breath of fresh air. Such is the tragedy of the modern world we have all been touched by the horror of steering sensitivity issues when building a go kart. It’s a fucking cruel, cruel world.


I think there should be an app that translates American stuff in TV shows. If someone else can invent it they can have like 9% of the profits. I will settle for 90%. (1% of all my earnings goes straight to a charity for people traumatised by the death of Princess Diana.) But you know when they mention a TV show that isn’t broadcast over here as part of a joke it’s pretty annoying. I don’t like assuming stuff is funny; it IS interesting to see the Pavlovian response when you’re watching something where such  a reference occurs and people you’re watching it with laugh. “But you don’t know if comparing someone to Urkel is a compliment or an insult”, “yeah but it was said my Chandler so….”

The App would just translate it for you to the appropriate British reference…I shouldn’t have picked Urkel though…he’s a geeky black kid from an American sitcom. I’m not sure there is a British version of him. Maybe Andi Peters? It would also do money so you would know to be impressed or not when something is $60 – this would of course depend on what you thought it was worth. The App wont do that for you as well. That would be a different App – see there’s a brand and a range of products here.

Kelly Osbourne is a Fucking Cunt

She is isn’t she? [I can’t be arsed giving extended reasoning as I’m assuming everyone agrees – but let’s just say I wrote this watching the red carpet coverage of the build up to The Oscars on E!]

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