Tuesday 07 February 2012

Collins The Cops

I was in a bit of a rush this morning so I didn’t have time to retune the bathroom radio; I was going to have to go with whatever the last station had been. It’s what I call a gamble. It was BBC6..playing I Need A Dollar. Boom…1-0 to me. I could cope with this as the pay-off of the downside was Sean Keaveny being regional between this and the next song.

I was heavily lathered by the time the (brilliant) song finished. He’ll probably have some delightful anecdote, I thought. Then it came…a sound I have come to dread over the last few years. It was the sound of the voice of Andrew Collins. Now he has stopped doing the podcast with Richard Herring I don’t have to be annoyed by him trying to be funny, or I should be. But here he was, annoying me with his voice saying stupid things down my ears as I tried to clean myself.

There is no voice in my head that says “why not just give Andrew Collins a chance? He might not be an idiot today.” So, I didn’t have to ignore it. The lack of this voice was proved right, it would be a wasted voice because Andrew Collins always annoys me. His thing today was movie pitches. He wanted people to ring in with pitches for films. His example was this idea: aliens attack Earth and kill everyone but are unable to kill people in high visibility coats so they survive and the human race is then just very organised.

Don’t you see the brilliant joke? People in high-vis jackets are marshals and stewards!! Haha. Only they don’t really organise anything do they? They are generally unskillied, poorly paid people struggling to enforce a few basic queuing rules. And perhaps searching women’s handbags. They don’t actually organise anything. That is done by people in blazers or perhaps even suits.

If it is not Andrew Collins being rubbish at comedy it is Alun ‘The cockerel’ Cochrane being rubbish on Frank Skinner’s podcast. “You know when you burn your mouth when you or sort of cooking a chilli and you sort of taste it?” SORT OF? You mean, you know when you burn you mouth tasting a chilli as you cook it, don’t you Alun Cochrane. (I can’t remember if he said chilli or chilli con carne but I will give him the benefit of the doubt, which is big of me.)

Only minutes later he was AMAZED by the concept of sweaty palms. How is that not something you are aware of? He brought it up as he thought it was ridiculous that a mine wiped some weights down with a towel after he had used them in the gym in a hotel he had stayed in. How is this something to surprise someone? Even if you didn’t ever get sweaty hands, which I find hard to believe, you would surely not be amazed by the concept. He is a professional broadcaster and comedian and someone wiping gym equipment down after using it was preposterous to him.

Temple Run

The latest game I am addicted to is Temple Run on my iPhone. Mainly so I can beat John Byrne’s high score. I fear the addiction of winning this competition will not run through my veins long enough to overtake JB; because I am shit at it.

Concept of Temple Run: you are a man running away from some monkeys. By swiping the screen you can; jump over gaps; slide under tree stumps and flame things, move left or right all in order to keep running for as long as possible. You also collect coins as you run. These coins can be exchanged for different power-ups and stuff. No, it is as dull and pathetic as it sounds. You were wrong to think I was just describing it in a poor way.

Anyway, one of these power-ups is invisibility. You know the word invisibility, meaning not being visible. The thing about being visible is you are not visible but you are still there. Well when you are invisible in Temple Run you can pass through the obstacles you would normally jump. Fair enough, you might think, it is not the kind of invisibility one associates with the word invisibility, it is more of a ghost type of invisibility. I could accept this stretch but this is not all that invisibility does to your character in Temple Run. Oh no, as well as this all the gaps that you normally have to jump over, or fall to your depth, are filled in with like a blue bridge that you can walk over. How is this invisibility? The designers of this game need to take a long, hard look at themselves  – in the mirror they can see themselves in, though they probably think this is a further example of invisibility. The dicks.

Temple Run

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