Saturday 04 February 2012

Life’s A Gamble

More unsuccessful betting today. It is refreshing to know that, however up or down I am psychologically, I can rely on losing some money thinking I can predict the results of some football games. Much like everything else that I see as a bad habit, I blame it on my dad. I don’t know if they have decided whether it is nature or nurture that makes you like you are but as I was raised by my father and have his genes I think it would take an idiot to suggest that I had any control over how I have turned out.

It is a testimony to the human race that gambling, in one form or another, has been a growth industry since time began. Did Adam not bet one of his ribs that he could handle a relationship? Did the serpent not gamble one of his apples that he could trust Adam? No, no they didn’t because these things never really happened….oh little bit Gervais there.

Much like getting fucked up on whatever there is to get fucked up on, ever since I saw an Ibiza Uncovered where narrator Lisa I’Anson explained that the new drugs craze was people inhaling the fumes created by pissing on the cubes from urinals I have thought about it every time I am in a pub toilet alone, there is a tendency for many people to try and get more of what they have by wagering what they do have on some bet. It’s more than just being lazy – it is a thrill.

And bookmakers know people have this tendency and that if most people bet enough they will end up losing more than they win. So they make lots of different things to bet on. As long as the head office says it fine to take the bet then the bookie will take it. Lots of money is staked on non-sports as well. I, myself, have a £50 wager, at odds of 18/5, that Bill Treacher – IN CHARACTER as dead Xmas-Club-Money-Thief Arthur Fowler – will win a televised talent competition before 2017.With the exception of people dying you can bet on almost anything with a bookmaker,

  • William Hill has a computer generated dog counting fictional stars in the sky, you can bet about how many he will count in a minute. It sounds easy but the dog will often stop to lick his testicles or to write a poem (CGI dog remember he is not limited by the behaviour of a real dog).
  • Ladbrokes has live videos of old men playing dominoes on a merry-go-round; when the dominoes or men fall off you lose your money – unless you have bet on ‘All Fall Down’ – this has made over £26 million for Ladbrokes since its December launch.
  • Paddy Power has been taking bets on a hypothetical, infinite roulette wheel; which would have limitless number to bet on AND never stop rotating – but is still only a rumour. Punters have still staked over £900 million, with one private gambler staking £12 million pounds on the number 209.
  • Since 2001 Bet 365 has had an annual market on how many times the incumbent Chancellor of The Exchequer will evoke the spirit of Lord Nelson using a clairvoyant, in Parliament in the calendar year.  There has been less interest in this since the early years when Gordon Brown was oft heard to say he was definitely going to use a clairvoyant to evoke the spirit of Lord Nelson “at least twice” to close friends.

Like many other people I gamble, and carry out more than 89% of my existence, on-line. Bookmaking shops are obviously worried about this; I popped in my local bookies, a Bet Fred, to find several machines which were housed on a sofa with a laptop on a table at the side of it. You select your bet on this virtual ‘virtual bookmakers’ and then print out a slip to take to the window where you are a served by a human employee. This last element was the only bit that ruined it for me. That and the smell.

Got to Have Drive

When you’re wasting away all your money gambling you don’t have money to sustain your sexual obsession with Ryan Gosling. So, three cheers to my girlfriend who, not only bought me Drive on Blu-ray, got me a framed Drive poster.


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