Thursday 02 February 2012

I like the scenes in films where people get caught together having done a con that had involved pretending not to know each other. Like in White Men Can’t Jump where Wesley Snipes hustles Woody Harrelson by pretending to be his mate and having a row with some other lads resulting in a basketball game for money. At the end of the game Snipes misses a shot and then the other teams wins and Snipes pretends to be gutted. In fact Snipes’ character is in cahoots with the other lads and they have all taken Harrelson for a right ride. His girlfriend, Rosie Perez (the second best sayer of a drawn out ‘Billy’ ever after Julie in Bread) makes him go and confront Snipes. When they get to the flat Snipes is there chilling with the other lads. 

I don’t know why I like those types of scenes; There is one in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels as well. I am just remembering films with cons in them now and then trying to remember where the people were caught out by the person had been conned. And then writing it. All the ones I can think of (which is the WMCJ and DRS at this stage – nothing is being filtered) involve the people when caught not accepting admonishment from the ‘victim’. Maybe it is their arrogance when guilty. 

That is not something I like in Harry Redknapp though so it can’t be the only characteristic I admire. Harry is, of course, the melted Jamie Redknapp-faced father of Jamie Redknapp and former footballer and now manager. He is currently on trial for evading tax – he claims, if anything, he has paid too much. Now I am not going to call Mr Redknapp a fucking lying East-End Barrow Boy lying cunt, I’m just not prepared to make that judgement on a man.

How good is this?

“You think I’ve put my hand on the bible and told lies? That’s an insult, Mr Black, that’s an insult,” he said. “Everything I’ve told you has been the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.”

An indignant Redknapp then snapped: “Bring the bible up here again and I will put my hand on it.” The manager hit back at suggestions that he had deliberately sought to evade tax, adding: “I’m the most ungreedy person you have met in your whole life, Mr Black. Ever. Ever.”

I am not necessarily comparing him to Bill Sykes, but he’s at least Mr Bumble – if we are comparing people to Oliver Twist characters based on their trustworthyness, which I just assumed we were doing.  Who speaks like that? You start to wonder if all the dialogue in cockney gangster films is actually brilliantly realistic and not the OTT shit it seems to be.

As for Redknapp being the ‘most ungreedy’ person someone has ever met, it’s a troubling thought. I can imagine Mr Black leaning back with a cigar pondering a dinner party topic, “The MOST ungreedy person I ever met? Well that’s a toughie. Of course I am from humble beginnings and my mother was a selfless woman, she was certainly very ungreedy. We didn’t have the wealth within our reach of course, so was greed plausible? I have met many charity workers and public figures who accept meagre sustenance in return for endlessly working for others. But, yes, Harry Redknapp springs to mind; he only has ONE Monaco off-shore account. Just the one, can you believe it? He only took just north of three million pounds over three years from Portmsouth. But is this greed? I think not. He is simply taking his worth. Yes, Harold Redknapp gets my vote as the most ungreedy person I have met – he told me so himself, you can stick your Archbishop of Canterbury right up your arse.”

If Harry Redknapp want to be taken seriously and stop being referred to as a dodgy wheeler-dealer type then maybe he wants to stop appearing on Sky Sports News every day saying something that is patently a lie. The other day he actually let Stephen Pienaar leave on loan while saying the sentence “Stephen Pienaar is not leaving this club on loan at any stage.” He should also get some level of perspective – accept that he is not perfect. Not shout at someone that he is the most ungreedy person ever. Or that he is one million per-cent innocent, as he did when accused of tapping a player up a few years ago. Apart from anything else it makes it blatant he doesn’t know what per-cent means and is just trying to sound honest by using a mathematical term.

Other than being the most ungreedy and the most undishonest person in the world, Redknapp’s other main point of defence is that he would have to be stupid to have done what he is being accused to have done. And then saying he cant spell or use any form of technology and that he doesn’t know anything.

It’s easy to poke fun at Harry Redknapp but he is the man worth £10 million pounds and seemingly so ungreedy that he is content with this. Maybe he should just chillax with his lot and stop whinging about people comparing him to a second-hand car salesman while behaving exactly like a second-hand car salesman  – he describes players as terrific little runners, bought Scott Parker as a part-exchange – trading in a Volvo Estate as part of the deal, and when trying to sell Peter Crouch claimed he had “only one previous owner: a vicar’s wife who only drove him once a month.”

He is still clear favourite to be the next England manager.

The Gene Pool Responsible for Jamie Redknapp

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