Sunday 29 January 2012

Mess-ter Messy

I don’t know what happens when I am left alone for a few days but I don’t have turn in to a messy bastard. Look at the debris below. SOCKS! [1] scattered near the bathroom. TROUSERS! [2] randomly stepped out of in the living room. MISCELLANEOUS!! [3] thrown over the settee. COAT!! [4] dropped, feet from the coat stand. [5] OUTFIT NOT WORN ON FRIDAY!! left near front door. DRESSING GOWN [6] dropped in hall near front door. TWO PAIRS OF FOOTWEAR!! [7] flicked off near settee (not the one with the stuff on it in [3].

I would love to say that I can’t remember living like this when I live alone but now I think about it I recall that this IS how I dispersed my clothing in between wearing it. I can’t explain why – I just stood looking at the clothes strewn about the flat thinking ‘what kind of wanker has done this to my flat?’  I had to clean up after the selfish prick.

Spark of Inspiration

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night. The majority of the times it is just because of a night fright or the general feeling of depression at my life. Sometimes, though, sometimes I have – what I think – is a great idea for a joke. I never write it down and always forget it. Last night there happened to be a pad and paper there so I did. This is what I wrote:

Did people used to talk about cotton mills popping up everywhere in the same way they talk about Tesco Expresses now?

What? I woke up for that. Almost as bad as The Observer Magazine having as Oscar nominee photo shoot and having Ryan Gosling in it even though he wasn’t nominated (though he should have been).

The Descendants

The Descendants isn’t a bad film. It’s very much the kind of film you might expect from Alexander Payne – following on from About Schmidt and Sideways it’s about a man on a voyage of discovery. Again there is an ostensible mission, here it is a man learning of his soon-to-be-dead wife’s infidelity and tracking the man she was having an affair with, but as with the previously mentioned works it’s a (sorry) voyage of self discovery.

The man is George Clooney, doing the indie film George clooney: stubble, long hair and voice-over. Of course G.C. being unspectacular is still better than most people upping their game. Here George is Hawaiian – a descendant of Hawaiian royalty – and trustee of some land ear-marked for development. This is the backdrop for him bonding with his two daughters, a rebellious teen and quirky ten-year-old. As I said it’s not a bad film and it is full of solid performances though some of the cast seem underused. I was just left a little bit wanting something more by the time the credits rolled.

Throughout the film Clooners is bedecked in a variety of Hawaiian shirts¹. Is there anywhere else synonymous with a shirt? Hawaii really did well with that. There are not many places synonymous with a type of clothing. The Bermuda short is of course another – are they just called shorts in Bermuda? And if so how are they differentiated from other styles of shorts. Modelled on British military shorts you know..is there anything we didn’t do in the nineteenth century?

Of course you’ve got the Panama hat and the balaclava as well (named after Panama and Balaclava, respectively²) if we extend in to headgear. And last but not least, the Macclesfield sock.

¹Apparently these are known as aloha shirts in Hawaii which ruins my ‘what do they call Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii?’ gag. Don’t worry I’ll do it about Bermuda shorts in a minute.

²It is obvious that this is a joke isn’t it? Clearly these are the places they are named after. Though the Panama hat isn’t really from Panama so the jokes on you..or me..or nobody. Is a joke on somebody if is isn’t a joke and nobody is reading it? It certainly isn’t an interesting philosophical question which I shall not be beginning to answer.

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