Tuesday 24 January 2012

Rhyme Time

Why can’t I have something I don’t try to do every day? I wrote this short ode, inspired by Brokeback Mountain, and put it on Facebook:

I’d like to kiss your widgie
Even if it’s tidgie
I’ll kiss it nice and softly
And make it sick in my mouth
Take off your undies
And take out your spout
Let me kiss it gently
I’ll kiss away the doubt.

Today I decided to follow it up with one called Karate Kid 1. Why did I have to do it the day after? Immediately I have set my stall as doing a film-based-poem every day. I know poem is a bit of grand way to describe them but indulge me. What is it with EVERY DAY? Why can’t I just do something occasionally? I basically take something that no-one is that interested in and decide to do it on a daily basis, exaggerating the shrug the entire world has to this stuff. Hey, let’s be clear here: I am not attacking the taste of anyone thinking this stuff is worthless. I am merely saying I may be a glutton for punishment.

That said…here is Karate Kid 1

“But I can beat him” my friend Bobby pled
Sensai ignored him with a shake of the head
And just uttered three words: sweep the leg
Of our Sensai we never asked why
It’s one of the rules down the Cobra Kai
The move was illegal – an instant DQ
It’s ok, I told Bobby, I’ll beat him for you
I was made out a bully; karate discipline undone
But he pissed me wet through when I was dressed as a skeleton
I chased him down – to punch him out
I was repairing my honour, not being a lout
Out of nowhere rescue came – an old gent from Okinowa
Me: confused, Daniel too, though dressed as a shower
Back in the present I face Daniel, if his knee is not spent
In the final of the All Valley Karate Tournament
The old man has rubbed the knee better; Laruso will face me
We will find out whose best – at karate
Brave is the battle he wins with a crane kick
The feeling is defeat; it tastes just like sick
Through the pain of loss I tell him ‘you’re alright’
Fair dos: he’d beat me in a martial arts fight
Historical footnote, it’s not defeat I should have felt
The lad from New Jersey had cheated – entering with a stolen black belt.

(It’s the plot of The Karate Kid narrated from the perspective of Johhny – did you see what I had done? My favourite TKK trivia? That Dutch – the one with the peroxide hair from Cobra Kai – is Steve McQueen’s son.)

Anyway, tough luck universe for I am not going to do one every day.

Life on Mars Bars?

A yearning for a Mars bar led to a debate about someone buying me a Mars bar for every query we received today, which led to a suggestion that this could be 30 Mars bars, which led to a condition that I could only have them if I ate them in one sitting, which led to suggestion that 10 minutes was a fair time to eat 30 Mars bars, which led to a rebuff, which led to a counter-claim that 3 in 3 minutes was a worthy challenge, which led to three men offering to buy a Mars bar each to fuel a fat man’s boast that 3 Mars bars in 3 minutes was no challenge.

Let’s end the mystery. I am that fat man and the challenge is mine. It seems so easy to me. There is talk of sick and nausea – from THREE Mars bars? I’ll be frank, I’m writing this feeling a bit nauseous from running four-and-a-half miles in the cold and then having a bath, then a shower and then eating my tea but I still think I could do it now. THREE? And if I am sick? Call me Cool Hand Puke.

Keep on Running

Speaking of running – like I just did in that last paragraph – my bastarding Nike+ fucked me over tonight. For those unfamiliar with Nike+, it’s basically a glorified pedometer that you attach to your iPod which interacts with a little sensor attached to your foot in order to tell you how far you have run and at what pace. For some reason when I got back from my run tonight it finished the workout (Nike+’s phrase – not mine) it told me that I had ran 0.00km in 0.01s. Though I am sometimes admit I am wrong when evidence conspires against me at this point I was not going to. I had DEFINITELY ran for about 51 minutes and given I had ran the identical route I did on Friday I must have ran about 4.61 miles.

I am no great mathematician – I got an A* at GCSE: whatevz – but I am certain of this 0.01 s DOES NOT EQUAL 51 minutes and 0.00km DOES NOT EQUAL 4.61 miles.

There are a couple of possibilities – when I started my run the Nike+ did not start and so at the end of the run it had only stored the 0.01s when I was setting up the device ahead of my run. If this is the case then why did my playlist (Frank Skinner podcast, natch) start playing? WHY? When the playlist starts so does the sensor. RESULT: Nike+or iPod fucked it right up.

Second possiblity, the run was registered but in finishing the run and ending the workout (still Nike+’s phrase and not mine) I accidentally deleted the record of the run and set up a new workout (you know the drill) and finish that as well (after 0.01s, covering 0.00 km). I didn’t do this. I was pretty tired but I didn’t do this. “I don’t believe you,” you say. Well fuck off then you dick. I could explain why it was not possible but why should I? Why are you doubting me? What do I have to gain from making this up? You are a dick.

Of course I haven’t let this affect me; why get angry at a stupid machine making a mistake? I did really get angry, not quite sure why, other than the intrinsic frustration in something not working. The Nike+ basically just tells me how far I have run in how long. I know this. Yes, it does also send the information to a website that then tells me the info in the form of a lovely little graph AND logs all the runs telling me how far I have done in a week/month/year. I suppose this being longer than I normally run I wanted it recording. But why? For who? ME?? I fucking hate me – and everything he/I do, at least that’s the rumour.

No, the truth is I was hoping someone would look at my Nike+ data and I would somehow get selected for the Olympics ( a sporting event held every four years where the people of the world compete against each other, representing their nations, in a variety of sports – including archery and backstroke swimming; this year the event will be held in London, a city in the south of England) at running. Now, I have no chance. Had this very slow and unimpressive run been logged I am almost certain I would have been handed one of the berths in the British 4.61 mile running team. With only last Friday’s identical run to my name on Nike+ there is no chance. It is well known that the British Olympic 4.61 mile running team is selected on the basis of TWO 4.61 mile runs being completed in the window of 20-24 January. Ah well I will have to wait until 2016.


How’s about a nice picture to finish off today’s entry? I know what we could all do with, a picture of the 1901 Marion Military Institute’s football (that’s gridiron, MMI is in Alabama you idiots, it’s the fucking state military college of Alabama, don’t you even know that?) team. They were dubbed the ‘Awkward Squad’ as they refused to practice unless they were each wearing either different hats or similar hats at different angles. Maybe. I don’t really know why they were called the Awkward Squad. I think it is safe to assume they were shit, though.

My favourite one is the lad one in from the right.

Fine young men

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