Thursday 19 January 2012

Bish Fap

Some things in an office of 2012 seem quite of place.Yet they survive. We still use fax machines where I work. FAX MACHINES. Who hears about fax machines in this day and age? (Apart from on football’s transfer deadline day – but you expect the Football Association to be stuck 30 years in the past!! Boom, I dropped a satire bomb on a notoriously archaic institution like no-one else could. Or would.) A fucking fax machine, we have a fax machine in an office full of computers connected to the internet.

-Shall we get rid of the photocopier?

-Whaaaa? Why would we do that?

-Well we all have computers with email and we have the capacity to scan documents that we can scan…the quality is a lot better than a fax, which is at best like a bad photocopy. And an email is instant, faxes can take forever.

– But can you phone an email address and get a weird screeching noise? Does an email also act as an exceptionally slow photocopier as well?

-There is a photocopier three feet from the fax machine. It’s like keeping a video because it has the ability to trim your nails.

– Well I can’t get my head around emails, I still send all communication by fax. That said I haven’t had a reply since 1995.


I can see why things on Facebook have to be streamlined. It is not – at the moment – reality. It is not the benchmark. I don’t know what the future holds; I am not prepared to speculate what the world will be like in 2014. Perhaps by then we will all have been converted to binary code and exist solely within the confines of the internet.

But is there not room for a little more compartmentalisation in the way Jesse Eisenberg’s social networking monolith polices my thoughts? I just want to like McDonalds: I like supporting independent traders and am not afraid to admit it. But this lone wish, to be happy to like McDonalds, does not meant that I want to see a picture of a McFlurry on a daily basis. Nor do I want to contribute – even by something minimal as reading the signs on the computer screen and converting them in my brain in to words and phrases, ultimately creating an overall meaning – to a comment such as “Brrr it’s getting cold, who’s for a Quarter Pounder Meal?”.

Friends Reu-shite-ed

Do you remember Friend Reunited? It was the really shit precursor to all the social networking that has become life as we know it. It was popular for about 4 weeks. But popular enough to sell to ITV for £120 million. Yep. They timed selling that right eh?

A quick comparison courtesy of moral crusading website Wikipedia; after 2007 Friends Reunited traffic grew by 1.2%. In the same period Facebook experienced a slightly larger growth – if you would say The Bible has been read by slightly more people than have read this blog. Slightly!! That is so me..Facebook’s traffic for that period grew by 2393%. For those who find it hard to visualise the difference between 1.2% and 2393% just imagine the 1.2% as nothing and 2393% as ‘loads’. Or here’s another way: Friends Reunited was an apple that grew in to an apple that was larger by such a small increase you just thought it was the same apple. Whereas Facebook’s apple would have become as large as a grapefruit by growing by 2393% (the maths may be shaky on this example).

I had to try and access Friends Reunited the other day as I was trying to remember the two films I used to pretend I was writing. It was that long ago I created my account that when my email address was just my postal address (great gag, PB). It was that long ago that I was er, unaware of the concept of LED TVs (ZING). I finally got in there. They really made an effort with the website, trying to incorporate all the features other websites have. No, wait they didn’t – it was still a shit website devoid of anything.

I did find what I went for….the two film ideas I thought were funny about 6 years ago can be found in my ‘About me’ statement on Friends Reunited, which I present below. NB You can see that I have not changed; I was neither funny nor interesting back then either and was equally pedantic and superior.

I graduated with a degree in English language from the University of Central Lancashire in 2000. Since then I have been head-hunted by several film companies to direct Hollywood blockbusters- my current projects are: ‘Regretting Wednesday’ -an Independent film with an emotional Kevin Costner starring as a man whose dead wife spirit is trapped in the archetypal middle of the week day; and ‘The Shadow of Christmas’ – Roy Schneider as man who celebrates Christmas all year round even though he hates it.

Excitingly, my ongoing projects involve the invention and publicity for a new shade of green and the beginning of a thesis- exploring how society would look and behave now if Bobby Davro had been talented.

In addition to these projects I am rebuilding my reputation after The European Court of Human Rights ruled against my claim that I had been the first person to blink, and therefore did not own the copyright on everyone’s favourite eye lubricating action.

In my free time I travel through time solving crimes and construct false descriptions of myself on internet sites.

I have also been touring the globe lecturing about the correct use of the term irony. And then listening to people walk away saying things like ‘It raining after you’ve just watered the garden is so ironic.’ Maybe its the lectures that are bad.

I am now black.

And I will leave you with this gem….’ (To be fair there had to be a joke there as, even now, this section would remain blank.)

My future plans

Throwing away today’s newspaper.
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