Wednesday 04 January 2012

LIKE

Did you notice how to stop an exchange of banter on Facebook? I’m not saying this is definitive, but you like the comment by the other person and it kind of signals ‘ok we’re done with this’. Eg,

Prevez Bourdon thinks pies and mash are great

Vipnik Quartz pie can’t believe you said that

Prevez Bourdon pie don’t believe you made that joke!

Vipnik Quartz Pie did and pie would do it again

Prevez Bourdon likes Vipnik Quartz’s comment ‘Pie did and pie…’

It’s definitely the new way of ending banter offs. Always done by the person who gets bored quickest – I’ve noticed because a lot of people like my ninth retort to their initial status when they clearly wish I would die so they didn’t have to keep replying to me.

Also; poking died a death didn’t it? It used to be poke this, poke that. It was a pretty wank feature, but still it was popular with passively sexual harrassy types¹.

Last Facebook observation, promise, and this is just an actual observation rather than some piss-weak attempt at observational humour. Did you know can turn off getting updates on a picture/status? It used to be a real pain in the arse getting updates when countless morons added stuff to something you had commented on; but now you don’t have to. Just because you think someone is ok/interesting it doesn’t mean to say everyone they know (and will comment on) is equally interesting/humorous to you. Some of the shit I have seen people add to an interesting/funny status or even reply to a request. eg. Status: I am in London, does anyone have a coat I can borrow? Reply: I am in Bombay and don’t have a coat but I have a spare recharger for a Nintendo DS if that’s any use? I will be in London in 2017 so can drop it off then.

¹Yes, I have a degree in English and I used ‘passively sexual harassy types’ as a phrase.

Flashing Lights

As you can see from the picture below the view from the balcony outside out living room is epic. However it is a view I have often. Due to a disgusting habit I often spend two or three 5-minute spells looking out on this vista. You may notice a little yellow oval shape. There isn’t a floating yellow oval shape – or a stationary one. I have added that shape in post-production. Why have you added that noodle dick? Well it’s good of you to ask.

When I am stood looking out over the tail end of Platt Lane my eye is constantly drawn to that fucking cash machine: that’s what I have circled. It annoys me for two reasons; one, it charges £1.75 for withdrawals and lots of people use it despite there being a free one 5-minutes walk away; two, the light around the bit where you penetrate your card is always flashing. Why? Surely it is more complicated to have a flashing light around the card sphincter rather than one that is permanently on.

I see why some lights flash. It can look decorative. It can attract lonely men to a brothel. Sometimes they are damaged because of a large monster having attacked a city and thus flicker on and off. On a cash machine though? The only logical reason I can think of is to highlight where the card should go. Who is using a cash machine who doesn’t understand the basics of the way one works? And I declare anyone who doesn’t understand the mechanics of interaction with a cash machine shouldn’t be allowed cash.

Maybe the person who invented the flashing light on the cashcard opening was the son/daughter or niece/nephew of the man/woman who designed cash machines and they were just trying to encourage this nepotistic little bastard/bitch. So, hypothetically, because some little fucker was shit at everything else and mithered his/her mum/dad/aunty/uncle ” I have to have my vision distracted.

“What if we made this light flash?”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just where people put their cards it doesn’t need to flash. A light is fine. It shows people where to put their card. Making it flash is just unnecessary”

“But if it flashed it would make it clearer”

“Who needs it to be any clearer? Did you ever see someone looking confused at a cash machine because they didn’t know where to put the card?”

“But if it was flashing no-one would definitely be clearer.”

“If I change it to a flashing light will you stop talking to me permanently, like for ever?”

“Yes.”

“Well there we go. It’s now a flashing light. All this is going to do is distract the vision of innocent people trying to smoke on balconies but fuck it, if it gets you out of my life then there you go.”

“Bye dad/mum/Uncle Graven/Aunt Pascha.”

“The deal was you never talk to me again. Get gone.”

The view from my eyes.

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