Tuesday 27 December 2011

Man of Principles

Yeah, so you can completely read the Mail website if you’re going to mock it. That’s my new rule – one that conveniently allows me to read any celebrity gossip on the Mail website in case there is something hilarious I can notice and point it out to people – like ‘Look at this article on the Mail website saying Paris Hilton is invading Poland after misunderstanding the notion of fancy dress. Lolz’ etc.

I only say this because I’m about to say look at these idiots I spotted…on the comments to an article on the Mail website. The article in question was something wretched you would find on the gossip pages of any newspaper/website. It was about Frank Lampard’s ex-girlfriend (and mother of his children) and his current girlfriend (who it is important to note is NOT the mother of his children) putting stuff on Twitter and the Mail filling in the blanks and making up some story about it. As much as there is to comment on about how this is NOT news – even in a celebrity interest way – I was quite taken with the comments.

Comments on stuff on the internet is definitely one of the best ways to spend some time when you’re walking around the internet and you’ve read the important stuff (Facebook, Twitter, Empire & The Guardian football page). Yes: you can find people saying moronic things on Facebook or Twitter but that means having some association with them. Reading comments on articles on newspaper websites/YouTube/shopping reviews allows you to look at the human race, laugh at them for being idiots and then a little bit later feel a bit sick that this is the kind of people who live in your country (and probably earn more money than you). It’s a bit like masturbating over something tawdry (like a middle-aged woman dressed as a Post Office having sex with an octogenarian dressed as an envelope* – you still get the moment of ecstasy but you feel entirely ashamed 30 seconds later when you get back to your desk at work.

For those not clicking on the link, here is a quick précis: Elen Rivas has gone to India for three weeks to find herself or something. The two children she has with Frank Lampard are thus spending Christmas with Mr Lampard and his new partner, shit television presenter Christine Bleakley. Rivas did a couple of tweets insinuating Lampard had stopped her speaking to her children at some stage on Christmas Eve or Day. She also questioned why ‘the girlfriend’ [Bleakley] didn’t have some maternal understanding. Bleakley, who isn’t a mother, re-tweeted a comment suggesting someone couldn’t be a good mother if they weren’t with their children at Chistmas AND, in what can only be described as dignifyingly, tweeted that she wouldn’t get in to it all on Twitter as it was appropriate to talk about this stuff on Twitter. So far so revolting.

The stuff in the previous paragraph appear to be the only facts presented in the article; facts in the sense as they are quotes attributed to each woman’s Twitter account. The article fills in some blanks: attributing some quotes to ‘a source close to the couple’ i.e. they probably made them all up. These probable lies were that the children were calling Bleakley ‘Mum’. There are some other things said but..just read the fucking thing if you want all of the details; I already feel tawdry enough surmising this.

Right so that’s where we are with the story. The comments below it were a real delight.

The amount of the commenter’s own life they will put in to a comment is unreal. Check “Diana”:

She seems like my friend’s ex-stepmother. She became their stepmother when they were very little, and my friend’s little sister called her mom, and neither her nor their dad corrected her and thought the mom was just being a trouble maker when she corrected her daughter. Now right around this time my friend’s married their stepfather (who she is still married to by the way), and her little sister called him dad which their mother immediatley corrected, but when their dad heard that his daughter called her stepdad he was angry. I think all three of these people need to grow up, and I get the feeling that when it comes to this issue that christine is very insecure and would like to forget the fact that her fiance has children with another woman, so that is why she feels touched that the girls started calling her “mum”.

Diane doesn’t say whether or not she is a qualified Pyschologist, so I have assumed she isn’t. She is not the only person on these comments who takes their own experience of life and explicitly insists that this is what happens to everyone in this situation. She (Diana) did do it in such a complicated post that I lost track of what she was talking about, though. She is DEFINITELY right though, there is no other explanation than Bleakley being insecure for this entire mess.

Angela Lloyd Jones (London) takes the perspective of protecting Frank Lampard’s reputation. It’s a refreshing perspective as I am fed up to the back teeth of my friends boring me to death with tales of Rivas healing the sick and caring for the needy while I am trying to watch football. I also like her use of quotation marks [special mention to Lynsey, London, here for putting the word turn in inverted commas when she was specifically referring to a turn].

Why do some people on here view Elen Rivas as a martyr, a saint? Let’s not forget that it was Rivas who dumped Frank Lampard, thereby dividing the family. Could you imagine what would have happened if Frank had left Rivas and the two girls, in order to “shack up with” Christine Bleakely? Frank would have been labelled a disingenuous, cheating rat for the rest of his life. Rivas is trying to play the victim, when she’s not. Don’t fall for her tricks.

Common Sense, London, however speaks nonsense for all idiots:

Bleakley is a god awful woman who has failed at almost everything thanks to her own ego. She is the new Anthea Turner.

Unless you count being multi-millionaire TV presenters as failures – from two women who undoubtedly tried to be good at presenting light television and earning a good living out of it.

Em from Sunderland doesn’t know who to distrust more:

I have never liked Christine and don’t think she is as pure and innocent as she makes out – seems pretty vindictive to me. Saying that, Elen should not expect to be able to jet off on holiday but then have unlimited access to her kids whenever she wants.

It’s good that she thought about it rather than just putting that she didn’t like Christine and added something to show her’s was a balanced opinion. Not everyone feels the need to take sides. Three cheers for Steph from Leicester who maybe, just maybe lacks the balls to have a real opinion:

Sounds like all you mothers hate Elen Rivas. Would have thought it would be the opposite way round. I don’t mind either of them personally.

At least she has cleared up what she thought people would think AND clearly explained her position. Some people aren’t that helpful. Lady Penelope seems OBSESSED with the shape of Lampard’s mouth: “What’s up with Frank Lampard’s mouth – it looks like a bow” she says – as though noticing it for the first time. Come on Penelope, we all know you’ve been using this observation to elicit laughter and nods for YEARS. She has even done it on this string of comments before – she was the first person to make a comment saying, “Can’t stand either Christine B or Frank L – they’ve both got really weird faces. Frank Lampardi” Yes, that is her full quote. Frank Lampardi.

Charmaine Eliot (West Midlands) also seems to see this as an opportunity to assess Frank Lampard’s phsyical attractiveness (and to philosophise on the nature of attractiveness in relation to success, she DOES NOT prescribe to Darwinism) , “What it is about him two women fussing over him he is not all that why cause he kick the ball around and get loads of money for it please”.  Claire from Halifax corroborates the opinion that Lampard is a lucky s.o.b, “if he wasn’t rich neither of them would look at him twice“.

Jem took the (very real) opportunity to voice her own personal experience:

My husband left me and remarried some woman. We have 2 kids together and i told him he could have the kids every other weekend on one condition, that his wife isn’t there. He said no and hasn’t seen the kids since. My daughters know about how their dad chose his wife over them and told me that even if their dad did contact them they want nothing to do with him.

Many of the subsequent comments chose to air their venom at this Jem character. Which makes me a little suspicious that Jem isn’t a pseudonym for Bleakley, Rivas or Lampard; looking to take the heat off their own selfish backs. That certainly is the preferable option to believe when the alternative is that a woman would brag about using her children as a way to hurt her former partner on the website of a newspaper who backed the Nazis in WWII. People responding to Jem often scolded her quite harshly for being bitter and hurting her daughters as much as anyone else. At the time of going to press Jem had not got back to anyone – specifically not to anyone who asked if she had lived the life of a spinster since the end of her relationship.

There are plenty of other commenters with less sad stories: people smugly parading their stories of ‘divorce gone right’. I guess it can work out. I only hope that Rivas, Bleakley and Lampard take some heart from the experiences from LucyS554, for example:

Shocked that people have refused their children to see their father just because he has since remarried. That is bitter, and totally unfair on the poor children. I have since remarried, as has my ex-husband, and the children see their father just as much as they would have done if he had not been married. It is not fair for the mother or father to be unhappy alone, just because they have children. Everyone deserves a bit of happiness, especially the children.

Get your head out of the fucking clouds LucyS554: what’s important is a scourned man or woman’s pride in the scenario of a relationship coming to an end. If a parent can score points using their children then isn’t that what children are for?

Aside from attacking Jem and sharing their own success/failures in life the commenters’ main outrage is directed at the notion that the children of Lampard and Rivas may have called Bleakley ‘Mum’.  Mich, Herts, hits the nail on the head for all common sense thinkers:

Articles like this destroy famalies, and upset children, as well as using Twitter to air problems such as this. I agree, the children should call their mother mum, and just stick to Christine for Bleakley – who does she think she is?

Rosina from Hants not only vomits truth every word she types – she also offers a solution..nay a sensible solution; rather than just mouthing off about Rivas being a slag or comparing Lampard’s face to the inside of a satsuma skin,

There’s no way on earth those kids would start calling Bleakley ‘Mum’…. that’s utter nonsense! Elen, you are their mother and nothing will ever change that. So calm down and get your head straightened out. Next time you want to speak to your children when they’re with their Dad, arrange a mutually agreed time convenient to all.

The consensus of Daily Mail Website Showbiz Section Story Commenters (DMWSSSCs as they are known) is that only a woman who has given birth to a child can be called its mothers. All those people out there who were raised by a non-biological female parent, for whatever reason, who referred to themselves as your mother (or Mum) feel free to (metaphorically) punch them where it hurts – in their (metaphorical) heart by telling them they have made a charade out of BOTH of your existences. How very fucking dare they use this term. Sure, maybe they have looked out for you 99% of your existence and given you everything you have ever wanted and protected you with ever ounce of their being. But they are not your fucking mother ok? Because if SHE is your mother then Bleakley is right here (by having in no way claimed to be anyone’s mother but the Daily Mail have pretended something has happened – end even they haven’t insinuated it was at her request).

Meanwhile Kel34, Wickford, seems to have forgotten that the internet doesn’t just exist on mobile phones. She (struggles to say) “So she is finding herself in India does not have her mobile phone but she has her twitter account???” Come on Kel34 you fucking bean – she probably has access to a PC where she gets 20 minutes for a Rupee.

I will leave you** with the comment from Morpeth’s own Beth (Morpeth). You can always rely on an opinion like this:

I didn’t read the article, I only came on here to say that, in my opinion, this is a matter which is difficult enough for everyone involved (particulaly the children), and shouldn’t be reported on like this. Articles like this will simply make matters worse

Starting with ‘I didn’t read the article’ is a particularly masterful stroke of pig-headedness. How does Beth know what the matter is she is talking about? What are these children she is talking about? And how does she know how it is being reported on? I mean, yes…yes, she is actually correct. But is that the issue here? Oh fuck off Beth, your Morpeth shit.


*we’ve all done it.

**well I carried on a bit after it so I didn’t really ‘leave with it’. Sue me.

(Practically) What The Mail said to provoke all this

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