The Sweet Smell of Sucks Hess
There is the slight chance I might be occasionally be negative of thought. Especially in terms of convincing myself something has gone wrong and getting angry about it before it has even gone remotely anywhere near wrong.
Take today for example all an onlooker would have seen – had he/she been watching me from a distance with binoculars (the sick bastard, or bitch if it was a lady) – was me taking a delivery of a parcel and the contents being what I expected. The inside of my head, however, had three crises in several minutes.
CRISIS 1 The intercom hasn’t been working properly in the building/apartment. I did speak to the postman but the conversation was cut short before I said I would be right down. In a blind panic I ran to the front door of the building in my stocking feet. Of course, he wasn’t there: he would be at the main gate – not at the front of the building. But it was raining – causing a ‘wetness’ to develop on the floor outside; a wetness that spreads by contact. Ergo my socks would get wet if I went outside: a nightmare of quite big proportions.
There was only ones solution in my mind, and it sure as shit wasn’t walking 10 metres on wet concrete wearing a pair of socks that I would be putting in the wash anyway (it was 10am, I wasn’t dressed in anything other than yesterday’s clothes mofo). Like a person quite keen on reaching a higher storey of a building, I ran up the stairs to grab a pair of trainers. While the onlooker would have just seen a man, a real man, solving a problem the inside of my head was more negative than the KKK’s newsletter’s review of Malcolm X. I had convinced myself Postie was already away and was cursing that I was not going to be able to get my package for a good few days due to work and other shit.
Against all odds I made it to the gate – without wetting my socks wet – I had the parcel.
CRISIS 2 I opened the box – it was a delivery of the scent I ordered, my usual: Caroline Herrera’s 212 Eau De Toilette. I have bought this five or six times. The box says 212 with MEN underneath it. I think this is to differentiate from products for women – but I’ll be honest, it’s a guess: the ins and outs of international fragrance boxing is another world. This box had 212 right enough – but underneath it said NYC not MEN.
Now I was 99% certain there wasn’t a new brand of 212. Jesus, the marketing behind 212 SEXY ensured every man and his dog was talking about the new brand for weeks. But despite this, and knowing I had ordered the correct scent, I began to get annoyed about the whole ‘returning something’ process. Especially how I might be expected to pay for the return of postage (all complete guesswork on my part).
Just turns out they had changed the box though.
CRISIS 3 It’s later now. I am getting ready to go out. Uncharacteristically I am in a bit of a rush having sat around doing nothing when I should be getting ready. I have got my shit together, though, and am practically ready to go, apart from the 6 minutes looking for my wallet and 9 minutes looking for my keys. All that remains – other than the keys and wallet – is to put a couple of sprays of scent…
I pick up the container. I place the container several cm away from my neck and depress the dispenser (if you have never used a deodorant/bodyspray/perfume/eau de toilette – it is this depression of the nozzle that is crucial – almost immediately following this the liquid particles are ejaculated by the nozzle). Braced for the brief sensation of moist eau de toilette on my neck and pleasant aroma of Caroline Herrera’s lovely scent in my nose I was only able to stop being braced by the gushing stench of disappointment: not the satisfaction of 212 duly applied.
I assumed first that it was a broken nozzle – and again started going on destructive thought paths; wondering how much money it would cost me to post it back etc. It was only after 5 minutes of being furious that I realised I had been trying to get it out of my old bottle: the very reason I had ordered a new one – my old one was empty! Laugh? I nearly did, instead I was just a bit happy that everything was okay – I didn’t even smile if truth be told. Which is a shame as I have a lovely smile, it lights up my face in a way that really does make you forget that I am really an unattractive human being, for a few seconds.
Merchant: I’ve Hurried
If you thought ‘the sweet smell of Huck’s Hess’ was bad then you were right: it was really terrible and not at all relevant. ‘Merchant: I’ve hurried’ is a bit more relevant but only ‘more relevant’ in the way anything would be more relevant than something that was 0% relevant. You see I did go and see Stephen Merchant tonight but there was no hurry. In fact we turned up in plenty of time and both he and his support act were running about 15 minutes later than they were billed.
He (Merchant, though Josh Widdicombe – the support act – was also good) was really excellent. I thoroughly enjoyed the hour or so. I just hope Merchant doesn’t go the same way as Gervais: decent stand-up start and then over a few years watch your ego as a performer raise in inverse proportion to the trajectory of the quality of the material. I have just looked through the prequel to this blog as I thought I had written about the last time I saw Gervais: but I couldn’t find it (good anecdote). Anyway, Gervais was not very good at all and a lot of what I liked about him seemed to be being edged out of his act by a mean-spirited superiority. The ‘Gervais’ persona very much relied on being balanced out by the man, in order to say the outrageous. Then he was just saying ‘fat people are horrible and lazy’…I’ve picked a bad example there because that’s true. Seriously, though, it was done in a way that wasn’t funny. It was just a man being mean about fat people.
I am pretty sure Stephen Merchant doesn’t scour blogs looking for reviews of his gigs but if he does can I apologise for talking about Gervais? I must be the millionth person to gloss over the talents of a very good comedy writer and performer to defer to praising/loathing Gervais. And while Gervais is very much falling from the pedestal I put him on, Merchant deserves still to be up there in my esteem (though perhaps not on a pedestal as he really is very tall). You have missed the run at the Apollo now but why not treat yourself to the DVD (or a friend or loved one – Christmas is coming, remember?) as it really is a solid comedy set.
Stephen Merchant’s Hello Ladies is released on 14 November and available on DVD & Blu-ray¹. [This is an FYI, I am not getting anything for this]
¹Blu-ray is probably a bit of a waste of money, just stick with the DVD: is just a man talking on a stage.