Friday 28 October 2011

If I Had a Pun

There is No-el way I am going to do any more Noel Gallagher puns but, as I said to the people in North-West Wales’ biggest university town as they flambéed Germany’s finest ever organ playing composer after he composed a sub-standard concerto, Don’t cook Bach in Bangor. Eh? Now someone tell me I can’t make a funny. Just you read that and tell me I can’t make a funny. I tell you: that is a funny.

Purchased more Noel Gallagher tickets this morning. You could say I am wasting my money paying £290 for two tickets when I saw him the other day. Yes, and you might have a point – but I have only paid £109 for two tickets and my partner didn’t get to go the other night (after I just got one ticket for myself) so I HAVE to take her to this gig. Added bonus: don’t have to think of a birthday present now; I was running out of things (with pictures of cats on) to get her.

Liam and Noel do alright out of me – between albums, gig tickets and clothing (official Oasis merch’ and Pretty Green) I must have contributed enough to the two to have covered a least one square foot of carpet in each of their homes. I mean one square foot of carpeting in one of each of their homes, not in all their homes combined. Yet do they even send me a thank-you note if someone spills a glass or red wine on that square foot of carpeting? Do they fuck – I love the arrogance of them lads.

Research and Destroy

I don’t know if you ever read proper research/reports. I don’t read many. My limits are normally whatever twist a newspaper/website wants to put on something to serve their own (normally liberal, I am so sickeningly Guardian it is sad) agendas. However, sometimes I do read them – or attend a lecture/presentation of research. I will not say I have never seen anything of interest and I am sure there are plenty of fine researchers out there. What I am saying is this – which I will say now – quite often people just seem to have spent a lot of time (and money) assembling pages of data simply to tell me what I already know/common sense.

Take this for example. It’s a 32-page report that I read today. It’s findings? That people who are good at maths will find Physics easier. No fucking shit. I have no doubt people were falling over themselves to pat the authors on the back when it was published but all I would like to offer them is a sneer and a shake of the head in reflection that there are about 30 minutes of my life that I spend reading sentences like “Nearly all (92%) did, with the remaining 8% saying that they did not.”  Maybe it’s just me but I think we could do with 50% of that sentence. I am never going to get that time back. And, if I were to seek out the authors, tie them up and shoot them in the kneecaps with a shotgun it would be me they put in prison: I know, it is crazy and makes NO sense.

Thanks a mill’ brahs

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