Sunday 16 October 2011

Earnest Big 9*

“Phil it’s been 4-and-a-bit months since the hallowed BIG 9™ dropped. How have these films shaped up?”

It’s amazing how few people have asked that question. I don’t have concrete stats to hand but it is definitely less than one. All I can surmise from this is that people are just thinking it and too intimidated to ask me. Well worry not – I will update you now, in the next paragraph: which I will write now.

First of all, I haven’t seen them all. Unlike 2009’s Big 9™ which I have seen every one of: all nine. “All nine Phil? ALL NINE? What about ‘The American’?” Seen it, lovely film, George smoulders; Italy looks good. I notice you’ve gone with inverted commas around the title because you were already in itallic – lovely. “Needed to differentiate that it was a conversation between two voices – using italic for one voice help make that clearer, as you know some of your readers are morons. This has kind of got in the way of the gag where I just ask you individually if you have seen each of the nine films, even though you have said that you have seen all nine of them.” Shit, sorry about that. It sounds hilarious, if that’s any consolation. Would you mind if I stopped having this fake conversation with you and get back to my blog?

Bridesmaids? Seen it, liked it. Cowboys & Aliens? Seen it, didn’t think too much of it; indeed at points I remember thinking ‘this is really poor’. Yellowbrickroad? Not seen it, can’t comment. Fright Night? Same deal as the last one, I haven’t seen it at all. Horrible Bosses? Same as Cowboys and Aliens, ie. my response is the same, the film is not the same: one of them is about some cowboys and some aliens and the other is about some bosses who are horrible. Horrible Bosses disappointed me as it has a good cast (apart from Jennifer Aniston) and it was quite shit.

50/50, The Devil’s Double & The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo? Interesting you should bunch those three together, I have also not seen those three. Two of them haven’t been released yet though (in my defence). That just leaves ‘Crazy, Sexy, Love.’ I don’t know where I am up to with the italics and inverted commas any more. Serves me right for using pretentious devices. Where were we?

Crazy, Sexy, Love. You say, why that’s one hell of a convenient one to finish the run-through on: I just blooming watched it tonight. Not many people could take something as diverse and broad as discussing Philip Bridgehouse’s most respected film run-down of June and bring it in round to talking about what I did today (which is the point, nearly, of this wank blog). CSL, as perhaps some people have called it, is decent. It’s a decent ensemble comedy. Not much about it would be deemed unpredictable, but there are some decent laughs and there is a uniformly excellent cast – Steve Carrell, Ryan ‘Gozza’ Gosling, Emma Stone, Julianne Moore and Jonah Bobo (not making that up) are all very good in the main roles. And the only problem with Marisa Tomei is that she’s not in it enough (similarly the only problem with her is that am not in her enough. Oh for God’s sake – I’m being bawdy: enjoy it).

So there you have it – seen over half of the Big 9™. And without exception I was right to suggest that they would be good films – apart from the two that were really quite poor. Essentially that’s a 100% record. Never doubt me.

Thanks a mill


*Not enough Earnest Borgnine puns doing the rounds if you ask me, which you undoubtedly did not; part of the reason there are not enough Earnest Borgnine puns is that there aren’t enough people asking blog do-ers if they think there are enough Earnest Borgnine puns doing the rounds. It’s your fault…it’s your fault….it’s your fault (I’m doing the opposite of Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting when he, in character as Dr Sean Maguire, tells Will Hunting (being portrayed by the actor Matt Damon) “it’s not your fault” repeatedly).

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