Thursday 13 October 2011

Yesterday’s News

You know when I do some hilarious comments about an article and I do a link to it so you can read it and be all like “haha that’s dead good. The stuff you said about that thing was funny; I clicked on your link and having read what you said I was all like “ha ha” and I remember thinking you’re a comedy genius to say what you said. It was like obvious stuff that I, and anyone else, would think when they read it but you, you have that something special: you write it down thinking you’re something special while simultaneously knowing you’re not and being aware not many people read it- not even your close friends. And I don’t do that,” you think.

Well I don’t have the link to this, I read it in a newspaper. Retro.

I picked up the Manchester Evening News on my way to catch a train. The front page headline was ‘Shame of the bank boss blue badge cheat’. Other than clocking the alliteration I was thinking ‘slow news day’. Especially when the sub-headline was ‘Executive used Tippex to change ‘Andrea’ to ‘Andrew”.

This bloke had used his wife’s disabled parking permit to park in disabled space/regular space for free (I am sure that specific information is in the story but I forgot the details and I’m not reading it again). Now he wasn’t denying it (in court), he admitted it describing as a ‘moment of madness’. Aaaah this is where he over-analyses some small part of the story…bingo.

This moment of madness. It’s not made clear when it is. See he; thought about forging a pass; took his wife’s expired pass; put his own picture over her’s; tippexed some of her details out & put his details over the top; laminated the forged pass; took it out with him; put it in the window of his car(Toyota Avensis) ONCE.

That’s some moment. That takes the time reference frame of a Taxi Rank Operator’s ‘two minutes away’ to another level. And it’s certainly not the length of monent the divine Miss McCutheon once sang (directly to here *points at heart*). No, it’s not a moment of madness at all is it? It’s a devious little planned out concoction. I’m not even sure courting, proposing and marrying someone with a similar/female version of his name wasn’t all part of this. Let’s face it, if she’s disabled there must be some extraordinary reason for someone to marry her.

The way the MEN tells it our hero made the badge up until this one time when he got caught. BUT YOU MADE IT. Are we supposed to believe he made his little forged pass and caught his own reflection and thought “what are you doing with your life? You’re a banking executive..you drive a fucking Toyota Avensis for Christ’s sake..WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Apart from anything else this demeans my wife’s disability..no, no this is crazy. I should never have done this. I won’t ever use it, I’m going to destroy it. In a bit. For now I’ll just put it here in my wallet.”

CUT TO: A TOYOTA AVENSIS PULLS IN TO A PARKING SPACE, A MAN FUMBLES THROUGH HIS POCKETS, HE CLEARLY IS LOOKING FOR CHANGE (BUT ONLY HAS FIFTY POUND NOTES)…”Oh no, I haven’t got any change and I really need to park my car. Looks like I’ll have to phone in work and tell them I resign. I can’t be a few minutes late, which is what it would take to get some change. No, I’ll resign. Shit…I have a disabled wife and three children, they’ll definitely die if I have to resign. What can I do? And what’s this extra weight in my wallet? Crumbs it’s that Disabled Parking Permit I forged, I’ve forgotten to destroy it. Wait a minute..if I just this once etc.”

It could happen to any of us I suppose. And the crusty old court didn’t believe him: get off his back, squares. He will be sentenced later this month. I just hope they are lenient on him, it is a very hard time for banking executives.

Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush

Lol out loud, get this: despite being a fan of the Chris Evans TV show Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush today, when I got to Abergavenny on a work trip I realised I had…FORGOTTEN MY TOOTHBRUSH. You couldn’t make that up.

Seriously though, this story has a happy ending: there was a shop open near the hotel that sold, amongst other things, toothbrushes and toothpaste.

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