Saturday 08 October 2011

Today’s blog is a bit of a special, as it’s the stuff I thought about in the shower. More the kind of special you get in ‘special needs’ then.

Black Towel Day

I basically have a three towel system. It’s sold and reliable – if you stick to it. It’s like this: I have two towels and a reserve towel. If I ensure I wash one of my two main towels while using the other, I never have to use my back-up towel. You guessed it – I am on back-up towel thanks to some sloppy washing recently. I hate my back-up towel. It’s my black one. And before you start saying I am a towel racist – stop saying it, I’m not. I am so un towel-racist that I don’t even know/care what colour my main two towels are. This isn’t faux indifference – it’s basically a combination of colour blindness and actual indifference.

If a towel does its job I couldn’t give two hoots what colour it is and my black towel just doesn’t cut the mustard. It doesn’t seem that absorbant. Plus with a black towel any dead skin, from drying the back of your ears, for example, shows up. So if anyone wants to imply I don’t like my black towel just because it’s black is an idiot. It’s because it’s bad at being a towel.

Baby It’s Cold Outside

“It’s getting cold isn’t it?” If there is one thing that has been universally agreed in small talk up and down the country this week it’s that it’s getting cold. Yesterday I either suggested that it was getting cold, or agreed “yes: it’s getting cold” upwards of six or eight times.

To be fair, it fucking is. It fucking is getting cold. It means my showers are going to be a minute or so longer as I delay setting foot outside of the shower cubicle and warm water in to the cold, harsh bathroom. And that’s my marker for the start of autumn/winter – not wanting to get out of the shower. And everyone saying “it’s getting cold isn’t it?”

Take Two Bottles in to The Shower?

Is it just convention to shampoo and THEN condition? Has there been any research in to the long term effects of conditioning BEFORE you shampoo? Sure scientists have got their head around simultaneous shampooing and conditioning with the revolutionary Wash and Go  – and its latter imitators – but what of conditioning first? Can it be done?

I have lost count of the number of times I have accidentally put conditioner in my hand  -by accident – BEFORE I have shampooed. What did I do? What any normal person does: I flick it off my hand, rinse the hand and then get the correct bottle (the shampoo). The idea of conditioning first never occurred to me. Convention – obeying it is the first step of a prole’s existence.

[I have only lost count because I never started counting. I have probably only done it four or five times.]

Nosey bastards

It annoyed me when it happened, and I was still mulling it over as I rinsed the shampoo from my hair: people asking for a daytime telephone number AND a mobile number when you have to fill in your details of forms.

  1. If they have your mobile number why do they need another number?
  2. What’s with the nomenclature?  DAYTIME? Do they not care about night time?
  3. Do they mean your work phone number? I don’t want people calling me at work about anything (including my job).
  4. Point one is good enough anyway.

I was bloody livid. So much so that I wrote a status update on the social networking website Facebook (www.facebook.com). Essentially it was a more succinct version of the above paragraph. When some minutes later it was ‘liked’ by someone I knew how Peter Kay must have felt the first time someone laughed in acknowledgement of him describing something every body does – but is funny when you think about it (like going to the supermarket for a ‘big shop’).

Daily Fail*

I know, I know..The fucking Daily Mail. I hate it. But people loves it they do – and I don’t mean middle-aged nazis who like having bizarre sex involving freezers and think black people cause cancer who buy the print version. I mean the loads of people who read the gossip pages on the website; like Chris who I work with sending me links of articles that are thinly veiled excuses to publish pictures of Michelle Keegan in next to nothing. I mean, yes, I open them and stare longingly at that outrageously attractive actor but I make sure I read none of the text, thus avoiding subliminally reading something that seems to carry no meaning whatsoever but could be sub-textually anti-semetic.

Chris isn’t the only one, people link to Mail articles on Twitter (an online microblogging service) all the time as well. Hence I click on something and find myself on the effing Daily Mail website. Shortened web addresses is the problem here, I have no knowledge where the link is sending me when I click on it.

I don’t half go on sometimes, this is one heck of a preamble to what is frankly not worth it. Some link put me on the Mail’s sport section. Checking no-one was watching I clicked on the celebrity section: look at the headline story. I don’t expect much from the gossip section of newspapers – or even from The Daily Mail‘s…boom! In your face right-wing media. But really? This? Someone who was a pop star about 15 years ago went for a walk. That is what they are heading the section with?

Wasn’t worth it was it? I go and click on about 10 random Guardian articles to balance out the occasional misdemeanour of visiting what amounts to the website equivalent of what a modern day Adolf Hitler would think (if he’s realised he was a bit OTT in his previous incarnation and toned himself down a bit). I blurred the adverts out because I didn’t want anyone who pays the Mail money to get the free advertising to my readers. Do you know how much that would be worth to Barclays Bank? Because that’s whose name I have blurred out: Barclays Bank.

Daily Bastard.com

*This is the exception – I didn’t think about this when I was in the shower.

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