Friday 07 October 2011

Some Australian

Summer Strallen is the female lead in Top Hat, about to finish its run at The Lowry.

Phil, Phil, Phil..I’m fed up of you naming cast members of well-reviewed shows at Salford’s leading entertainment venue. I may be exaggerating but this is surely the millionth time you have done it. Frankly, I’m ready to join the other 11 of your once 13 strong loyal  readership and get the hell out of dodge – by which I mean stop reading your – so called – blog.

Hey, now. Now: hey. Hey? Now! Would you just let me finish? 1. I have a cracking observation/joke about that opening fact; 2. I have checked the facts and figures and this is only the <remember to read through all your blogs and insert the number of times you have named a cast member in a Lowry show>; and 3. Please don’t leave me.

My observation about Summer Strallen is this: if you say her name in an Australian accent it sounds like you are saying ‘some Australian’…sorry, I should have warned you – if you were eating you have probably spat it out laughing hysterically. When I noticed this, last week (or the week before) I pointed it out to my lovely partner and we didn’t half laugh. We didn’t – instantly on saying it, rather than just thinking it, I realised it was a very weak thought/attempt at something interesting to say. For starters, it doesn’t really sound like you are saying ‘some Australian; it sound like you are saying Summer Strallen in an Australian accent. Unless you are bad at accents like my boss whose Welsh accent sounds like what would now be considered a racist asian accent.

So my observation that she was the only performer in the world whose name sounded like it was describing a person of the nationality of the accent you were saying the name in was inaccurate. It sounds a bit like it. It might be a little poignant if she was Australian but she’s just some person from London who was in Hollyoaks. [Disclaimer: I haven’t seen Top Hat, I don’t like musicals/dance things, I am sure Summer is great in it and if you’re reading this, Summer (the actress Summer Strallen – not the arbitrary season of the year) please accept an unread copy of Bill Bryson’s Notes from A Small Island as a gesture of my esteem for your work. Please send me a SAE, or PayPal me enough money to cover the cost of postage and packaging.

Scott Sheppard is a ruddy shit

Tonight should have been lovely. I went to Stalybridge’s famous Buffet Bar where my best friend and partners were gathering for beer and pie samples: that’s a fucking perfect recipe for all that is good in my book (and anyone who says that my recipe for all that is good simply lists ingredients as ‘that ginger actress from Dr Who; some bubble bath; a bath and some hot (but not boiling) water is just a sick pervert with a twisted mind imagining me and her, dressed in a school uniform, having sex in a bath. Get a life.

So yeah it should have been perfect but then Dawn, my boy Scott’s wife, says that Scott – who was working and not able to come – read the Justin Lee Collins autobiography on their recent holiday. Phil, I know you are judgemental, but surely your friend reading a book by a men you despise isn’t enough to put your nose out of joint? Well, for starters: that wasn’t a question. For seconders: I was maddened by what Dawn said next, he said that it reminded him of me when he was reading it. Well my response to this is eff you Scott effing Sheppard you shit-mobile, I sound nothing like that Bristol hairball twat. [I thought from ‘I sound nothing…’ in an impression of Justin Lee Collins thought-voice, so I was being hilarious]. But seriously: fuck off, Scott. Doesn’t say much for my blog if it’s reminding someone of the autobiography of that cunt (Collins, Scott isn’t a cunt – I’m not even really mad at him for his [incorrect] observation, it’s an affectation. Does Justin Lee Collins pretend to be mad at people in his book Scott? Does he fuck, he probably is just overenthusiastic about stuff that was popular in the late 70s/early 80s. All guesswork: never read it) from Bristol (all that stuff clarifying who I meant was a cunt wasn’t really necessary given the next words were ‘from Bristol’..what a waste).

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