I don’t think of myself as amazingly clever, just really very very clever. No, I’m not (I am)*. I don’t consider myself a mathematical genius by any means – but an A* at GCSE isn’t bad. The less said about the GCE Maths the better though (I think the lad who used to drink vodka in the Friday afternoon class got a better mark than me). My point was supposed to be that I am not a math-head, as I am almost certain they are known.

I do, however, know that you calculate speed by dividing the time it takes something to travel a distance BY the distance it has travelled. This was classed as SUPER MATHEMATICS on the Today show on Radio 4. Admittedly they were talking about calculating the speed of a neutrino at CERNE but still it is just bigger numbers: hardly having to get hold of Will Hunting for that one. I’d probably be using a calculator to do it, though: no fooling. It turned out that it was going faster than the speed of light. That’s quite quick. Though not as fast as ‘planets’, according to Coldplay.

There is one of them annoying people who sits near my team at work. You know: a cunt.

He tries to engineer himself in to every conversation within his earshot. He is generally not welcome in these conversations. Not in a bullying way. Well, maybe it is what some people might call bullying. But are you meant to try and include people in your conversations who antagonizes everyone with his (or her) behaviour? It is him (or her, it is a male so I shall dispense with this pronoun tango I have been dancing) who is going out of his way to force his way in to a conversation which neither needs nor wants his input.

There are several specific reasons he is so annoying. One of them is that he always been somewhere or done something to do with what you are talking about. Or knows people who are central to whatever you are talking about. Only he is patently lying. You can almost hear him opening Google and searching for information on whatever is being discussed before he thrusts his way in. Or he will suggest something obvious when trivia is being discussed, “Are you talking about famous people called David Beckham, have you considered the footballer – David Beckham?”

It has got to the stage, which frankly I feel bad about: he kills conversations dead. Like instantly. Everyone just stops talking about whatever was being discussed. At this stage I do feel like I am part of some bullying. I am not part of some bullying though. It is his fault he is a dick, forcing his dick-ness into our conversations. Is it us being mean? I wouldn’t be this annoyed by someone doing it infrequently (LIE: I would be this annoyed by ANYONE doing it once) but someone doing it all the fucking time…

But, I need to know this is not bullying; because it sometimes feels like bullying I sometimes feel bad and feel sorry for him. It’s not though: we don’t want him to feel bad about himself; we just don’t want to talk to him because he is really annoying. I don’t expect people to talk to me who don’t like me. And they don’t. I don’t feel bullied. Just mortified and hurt…oh my what have we done to this poor fucking annoying boring cunt?

• Share what you enjoy most about today’s technology. That it is more advanced than old technology. 
• What gift would you like to anonymously send someone?  I’d like to send the gift of being interesting to the Sky Sports presenter Alan Smith, so I didn’t feel quite so like pissing in my own ears when I have to hear him talk as I watch football on Sky.
• Share a fear that you’re working to overcome. I am not working to overcome any fear. May I quote the bible? Fear not lest ye be feared. Exactly.