Thursday 22 September 2011

I don’t know much about Tim Cocker. I know he hosts the breakfast show on XFM Manchester. I know that most of his surname is another word for widger. Thanks to listening to his show for 5 minutes today I also now know Tim does not understand the concept of product placement.

I don’t know when the thing of breakfast DJs being comedians started. I remember them being funny, or trying to be; when they talked about the stories in the papers and put their zany slant on it, “I see in the news this morning that…the….er…the Prime Minister’s…been er…suffering from…er..the …er excessive diarrhea…not so much the number twos as…the number tens eh!? This is Right Said Fred with Deeply Dippy”. That is the sort of thing they did. They had a researcher skim through all the papers and come up with some weak jokes based on the headlines and said them between songs.

At some stage, though, they started evolving. Not just using headlines from The Sun as the basis for their banter. They started coming up with their own observations. Some people laughed at them and phoned in and said “you’re a good DJ”. They got big-headed, did more of their own stuff. More people laughed – the DJs were saying words like bum, fart and describing needing a wee. Some people took it even further: Chris Evans bought the UK off the Queen for part of 1997 and broadcast 24 hours a day from a pub over every radio station in the world. Evans’ charm was being likable and a bit funny while being part of an exciting period of English culture – when we decided to relive the music scene of the 1960s in the mid 1990s.

Sadly a small, fat ego in Leeds also called Chris heard Evans and thought “I am also called Chris, if I ape all the worst parts of Chris Evans’ shows: the sickening sycophancy, the rampant egotism and occasionally being a cunt but do them ALL the time then maybe I can also be the most successful DJ in England”. And so Chris Moyles ignored being likable, charming, interesting or funny and was just a fat, egotistical cunt and soon was the most successful DJ in England. He was a man who shouted and talked about being drunk. Zoe Ball and Mark Radcliffe had tried and failed to own Breakfasts: the country doesn’t want interesting people offering an intelligent worldview while playing good songs; they want a fat man saying how good he is between songs AND often over the choruses of songs. And over the starts and ends of songs. And when not him talking about how good he is, or how crazy he was the night before.

And if they can’t have that the country wants someone to take a bit of dialogue from a TV programme that was on the night before and play it again and again and again and again and again and again and again. And they want someone called ENTIRELY ironically Comedy Dave as the DJ’s sidekick. And a gay bloke who will be that desperate for fame that he will go along with constant jibes about his sexuality in order to VERY BADLY be part of the team. [I am not sure who is the least talented radio/TV presenter out of Brian Dowling and Aled but it is not a competition I want to judge. However it turns out my opinion is not important and they are both very rich young men gainfully employed by very intelligent and quality based entertainment executives.]

 I’ll tell you something for nothing: Chris Moyles hasn’t done well out of Tim Cocker being annoying this morning. I really don’t like Moyles. But…no I just really don’t like him. That’s just me. I have been less annoyed with him at times. And people are open to like what they like. I just don’t think he is funny.

The trend seems to be for these comedy-Jays…nah that didn’t work I was trying to coin phrase. I was hoping to be like whoever came up with the phrase ‘parched’. Sean Keaveny is constantly prattling on with unfunny shit on BBC6. Hence me being on XFM this morning. 

After a song finished, probably by the Manic Street Preachers or Kings of Leon, this Cocker character started his little bit about product placement. Clearly there had been some story somewhere about the rise in use of product placement. Cocker’s opinion was that product placement wasn’t used enough; that there were plenty of other opportunities to use product placement. If someone didn’t know what he meant, it was ok: he was going to give us an example. He said the bit in Celebrity Masterchef where music was played while the decisions were being made (I don’t watch the show so I am having to use my imagination) was an opportunity. So, he played the music and then over the top of it said (something like) “Hi, my name is Tim Cocker. I present the Breakfast Show on XFM why don’t you tune in and listen to it”.

I worry that this ‘joke’ would definitely been discussed and planned by several people. One imagines Tim was in the room. The Producer would have been. A writer/researcher pitching it as well? See, and I am going to explain what is wrong with it whether you have got what was wrong with it or not, that’s not product placement is it? That’s just an advert for Tim Cocker’s XFM Breakfast Show. Product placement is the surreptitious placement of branded things in the shot of tv show, mentioning it in dialogue would also count. Exclusively talking about something in a gap is just an advert, Tim Cocker, you bell-end.

Chris Moyles definitely got more shit out of that annoying me than Tim Cocker.

T’s P’s:

What gift would you like to anonymously send someone? Everyone I like a big jar of  something they want.

What historical event would you attend if you were able to time travel? Definitely one of the Jack The Ripper killings or The Kennedy Assassination, so I could see who done em.

Describe what your family dinners are like. No

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