I got to the canteen this morning for a bacon buttie (fuck you: two gym visits in two days. That means I can eat whatever I want, right?) and my mate Andy got there just after me. Andy is a larger and older man than me, and probably projects more authority to those who don’t know him. The canteen woman asked him what he wanted – despite me having been stood there earlier.

Despite being a blue from Brighton, who with no hint of irony is always having a go at me for out of town United fans, Andy is one of the people I don’t hate at work. And so it was entirely in jest when I injected saying, “I was here first”. Now this WILL sound a bit mean – but it is based on truth – the woman I was dealing with has absolutely no motor activity. She certainly did not detect the sarcasm in my remark. I don’t mind this, some people don’t have the same sense of humour as me – and some people are just flat retards. She is both.

Her response was “that’s your problem love, it’s nothing to do with me, I work this side of the counter”. She definitely wasn’t joking.  I wasn’t getting in to it with her, there are some people with whom getting into it with are not worth it.  If it was what I had got into with her I would have pointed out that she was the one who served the wrong person thus starting the whole problem. Of course this is me not understanding her ‘earthy, no-nonsense spirit’ so it is perhaps hypocritical of me for suggesting she is a simpleton with a lack of social skills just because she didn’t get my joke.

Of course my ‘joke’ was based on fact: I was there first. So her not getting the ‘joke’ was just her ignoring the manners of queuing. And aside from my point that she had in fact created the problem, it is also a pretty shit attitude to think that she has no bearing on how people behave on the other side of the counter.

You all probably think she was in the right don’t you? Well who is the fool now? YOU – because the woman I was describing is definitely a racist who has killed people and beats up children. So that’s what you are agreeing with you racist, paedophile supporting shits. I may have made up that she is a racist. And that she hits children. And that she has comitted murder. However, they may all be true – who is to say? But if anyone is likely to be a racist serial killer it is someone who doesn’t care about the manners of queueing.

I watched The Guard tonight. It’s fucking brilliant. It’s somewhere in between Ballykissangel and Miami Vice in terms of plot. But ONE MILLION times better than either. It’s about a small town Garda who gets embroiled in a corrupt copper/English gangster drug deal. Brendan Gleeson is even better in this than he is in the awesome In Bruges (directed by the bloke who wrote and directed this – talented siblings) and Don Cheadle is great as the FBI agent on the trail of the drugs. At times it feels like the character are making slight mistakes in their statements to give whoever they are sharing a scene with the chance to deliver a killer putdown correcting the error. That is being overly fussy though, and the putdowns are always worth it. Trust me – watch it.

• Share something you’ve done that you would advise others never to do. Wanked my dick off.
• Would you rather be a food critic, a book critic, or a film critic? Film Critic.
• Describe what your family dinners are like. Plates of food.
  

  I'd love to go on a one-man killing mental like Falling Down.