Thursday 08 September 2011

The way training sessions at my works is like this: someone not trained or skilled in training presents a badly planned session on something to a group of mixed ability to people. I don’t know if it better or worse than most places. I do hope it is worse though. Not because I like suffering but because if training is this bad everywhere then the doomfuckers are right: we are on our arses as a country.

I am going to assume that it isn’t like this everywhere though. As I say, the meeting are ran by people with no natural skills at training people. One of the main issues seems to be that no-one will back down from planning a session appropriate in length. They generally make them two hours long. Even for the special needs cases (90% of employees) two hours is too long.

Here’s how they go:

  • You walk in a room. First thing, rooms are often inappropriately set up. They will do computer based training in a room that doesn’t allow everyone access to a computer. Or they will use a big screen to allow people to watch the presenter use a compute but not have one themselves. A combination of the two if the obvious way forward. I predict this will be tried in late 2018 here.
  • Each place will have a printout of the presentation on the seat. While everybody else is fighting over the biscuits and getting a brew I have read the presentation slides.
  • The presentation itself consists of someone reading out what is written on the presentation slides, the better people (I am being relative when I say better) pad this out by either; repeating things in a different order, using a slightly synonymous sentence or using a postive version of a negative sentence – or vice versa. However the majority of the presenters will take a slide that has been written by someone else to be a concise version of what needs to be said and then read it out – at this point people generally are ok with the concept. Then the presented will go, “what this means is..” and then try to explain it in their own words. However ‘their own words’ are cack-handed, ill-chosen and if they had a smell it would be off piss.
  • I, meanwhile, have drifted off after about 12 seconds of the speaker commencing. Reading the handout has given me all the info I need. Sometimes it has added nothing to the knowledge I entered the room with. If I am in there with someone I like (statistically unlikely) I am writing sentences like ‘YOU ARE A FUCKING TWAT’ or ‘THIS IS THE WORSE THAN MYRA HINDLEY’.
  • If it is computer based and there is walkthrough we are asked not to log on until the speaker has finished their introduction. I ignore this log on and go through the walkthrough in about six minutes. It has been allotted an hour. This means I have finished when two of the eight people are struggling to log on their computers; despite logging on to a computer every day of their working life being sat in a different room has made them panic and they are entering their bank card details as their username.
  • Whichever the format there will be the opportunity for questions. This involves a mix off people high up the hierarchy and well paid making irrelevant remarks, asking stupid questions, or asking questions that have already been answered in the presentation. Or you get people further down the hierarchy who aren’t paid very much making irrelevant remarks, asking stupid questions, or asking questions that have already been answered in the presentation. Both kinds of people like to drag sessions out. They particularly enjoy holding up a roomful of people by going on about something relevant to their job alone, when they could wait until the session has finished an do it afterwards.

All of the above, and much, much more are why I try to avoid sessions of any kind. And that was why today I sidestepped a two hour session to get tickets for the NFL game at Wembley for me and my boy Al. This should have been a lot easier than it sounds. However the works PCs are shit on Ticketmaster and this was the only place you could access the pre-sale of tickets.  And you can’t do the HSBC secure banking think on an iPhone. Fortunately collegue Jim’s Blackberry was not such a fucking pussy and I was able to get some briefs. Optimistically I will enjoy the shit out of it. The night before I am a Miles Kane gig and the Manchester derby is four hours before the kick off of the NFL game. So pesimistically I will be pissed and not remember it. I’m 33 now though so I’m mature and that. Will someone tape the game for me though – just in case.

The whole Blackberry to the rescue thing has had an effect though. My contract is up in a couple of months and I don’t know whether to stay with iPhone (and just get a 4.0) or switch to Blackberry. I do enjoy the keyboard of a Blackberry, i.e. the solid keyboard and not the touchscreen affair is a big plus. Plus what is the deal with not being able to go outside of the five or six basic message tones? And while we’re at it – and this is more of an issue with my new iPod nano – why don’t they up their game on listing albums? Loads of my rap albums get listed as about 10 different albums beacause each time someone else is listed on a song it lists it as another album, there is no way of just listing the albums. On my Classic I used to get round it as they had a compilations bit, but the Nano hasn’t. I’m not saying Steve Jobs has got what he deserved, that is for sick & twisted people to say. I am just saying..

I watched this South Parkyears ago but saying “whatevah I’ll do what I want” has only now become ingrained in my head. It’s my catchphrase of the moment (in my head, I don’t say them out loud that much). Joint first place is Ben Affleck saying “You’re suspect” in Good Will Hunting when he pretends to be Will at an interview. So…now you know.

Coming soon: My 9/11 special.

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