Wednesday 22 June 2011

My eating habits have – by some people – been questioned at certain stages in my life. Fairly, I would add. I am not afraid to admit for a long time my diet mainly consisted of lots of toast, chips and lamb chops.

I think I have come on somewhat in the last ten years or so. It is now less than once a month I have 6 slices of toast for my tea. Check this: on Monday I had tea at an Italian eaterie and DIDN’T resort for the pepperoni pizza or have the steak [you know the middle one – not the cheapest one but not that thick one that is the most expensive, and yeah I have it medium – so sue me], no I had…[and you’ll be right to be impressed how maverick I went]..spaghetti bolognese. Damn right you raising your eyebrows thinking ‘that man sho’ don’t know how to conform’. AND I let the waiter do some cheese bits on top and then grind his massive wooden cock, ejaculating pepper on my food. I could see the waiter thinking ‘sacre bleu [he always began his thoughts in French, despite being Italian] this man doesn’t shirk away from conforming to what everyone else does to season their food.’

So, I have to ask – is getting cheese on your Subway sandwich that normal? Every time I get a ‘sub’ [that’s just a shortened version of ‘subway sandwich’ that I use so I don’t have to say/type ‘subway sandwich a lot’. If there’s one thing I don’t like it’s saying/writing the full phrase ‘subway sandwich’] I have to answer the question, do you want cheese? Hey, I’m not even that vexed about answering this question.

The guy just doing his job and trying to make the best sub [remember that’s what I call a ‘subway sandwich’, I say sub to save time typing ‘subway sandwich’] he can for the customers. What does vex me is that my ‘no thanks’ is treated the same as a ‘yes please’ most of the time. Ok, ‘most of the time’ in this case probably means maybe 1 in 7 times. Most definitely is 1 in 7 – “How often is it a Tuesday?’ you could ask and you couldn’t argue if they replied ‘most days’. It is Tuesday 52 times a year, that is a lot of times.

The cheese though – despite the clear ‘no’ the guy is that used to ‘yes’ he still puts the cheese on. Are you all that obsessed with cheese that you can’t have a sub [subway sandwich] without getting cheese on it? Sorry, I am blaming you for the employees of the fast food chain who don’t listen to my reply. I suppose the line starts to blur between yes and no for these kids, no wonder there is so much confusion in the world. And here’s me getting annoyed at someone for not recognising the difference between ‘yes’ and ‘no’, words that even to many a household pet are distinguishable.

Flippancy is no answer Philip, it is you who is wrong. Everyone should like cheese on their subs [subway sandwich remember] and yes and no are both very similar sounding words that can be confused easily.

Anyway, the cheese slices have barely touched the bread by the time I correct the sandwicher and it has no impact on the taste of my sub [subway sandwich, remember – that’s what I call them. I’m sorry, I’m going to have you all at it now. You’ll be all ‘sub’ this and ‘sub’ that confusing the fuck out of everyone all over the place. They’ll wonder what the eff you are talking about. Just explain you mean a subway sandwich and that should clear it all up. Who knows, maybe it will catch on].

It is fine to rant about Subways every 28 months or so – any more and might be considered obsessive.

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