More problems with iTunes. These were more self-inflicted ones though. After plugging in and plugging several different discs into my laptop it got confused over where to find my iTunes library. It is a complex machine full of processors yet couldn’t locate things stored in a small plastic box right at the side of it. “There you stupid fucking bastard, they are there where they have been for fucking ages”, I pointed out reasonably. The screen looked blankly back at me, telling me it was unable to locate the file and asking if I would be so good as to find it on its behalf.
It is hard to be mad at something admitting its own limitations. And thus I found myself in the position of a parent whose child has admitted a spiralling drug addiction and the desperate need for help. That is not a great metaphor admittedly. The laptop had not been stealing money out of my wallet and then disappearing for several days – returning smelling of piss and displaying an alarming weight loss. A better comparison would have been to compare me to the hunter Muldoon from the motion picture (and book, but specifically the film) Jurassic Park and compare my laptop to eccentric John Hammond (no relation to diminutive Top Gear star and notoriously bad driver of high-speed boats, Richard) – specifically the bit where Hammond asks Muldoon to please be good enough to go and find his grand-children. Only – sorry to disappoint you – this tale doesn’t end with some mp3s performing a clever pincers attack and eating me to death.
I did find the songs. THEY WERE IN THE FUCKING LITTLE BOX WHERE I SAID THEY WERE LAPTOP, YOU PRICK! But it wasn’t working in a locating all my songs way. This is where the error was mine – and in way, I suppose, this is where I was metaphorically being eaten by mp3s/velociraptors. I had reset the location of my music to I:iTunes/Music when the actual reset location should have been I:itunes!!!! Hahaahahahahahaha! The egg was on my face. What an anecdote eh? And all the funnier because it is true. I am a generous type, so if you are an after-dinner speaker looking for a fantastic anecdote, you may use this as your own.
There is a sad end to the story. A sting in the tale. You may want to get a hanky before reading it..when all was well and good and I had sorted out my silly mistake there was still two songs missing, that must have been missing all along – since the tragedy of losing my iTunes before Christmas. One of them was by smack-head bastard Amy Winehouse, so wasn’t a loss. But the other was Suddenly by Angry Anderson (otherwise known as the theme from Scott and Charlene’s wedding in Neighbours) that I had paid 0.89 Pounds Sterling for from iTunes. Yeah – you’re glad you got that hanky now aren’t you….
Der-der-der-der…suddenly you’re hearing me, running just as fast as I can..der-der-der..